After a feverish night of calculations by Vatican accountants, Pope Francis has declared that a single human life is equivalent to a dozen prayers and three thoughts.
The announcement came from the Vatican this morning via a written statement, which expounded on the papal equation.
“That is, of course, a combination of the two, assuming that each prayer averages five minutes in duration, and the thoughts are truly from the heart,” the statement explains. “A single hourlong prayer spoken aloud in a church might do the trick, as would, like, 22 brief thoughts. But this was something we kicked up for the U.S. Congress, which tends to work solely in a mélange of thoughts AND prayers. Translated for a digital platform, such as Facebook ‘Likes,’ it comes out to about 30 ‘Likes’ per life. That’s just to break even.”
“I got $176,000 from the NRA in 2016, and I don’t recall a single one of those high school students donating to my campaign.”
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s office issued a memo saying he’d personally advised the president on the matter, adding that with the United States averaging a school shooting every week so far this year, thoughts and prayers were fiscally the best way to address the issue.
“They’re free! I can hand out thoughts and prayers all day and still order extra cheese at lunch. Besides, I got $176,000 from the NRA in 2016, and I don’t recall a single one of those high school students donating to my campaign. Plus, I’ve had my intern put sad faces on like 200 Facebook posts regarding the incident. We’re good.”