FEBRUARY HORRORSCOPES: The Beauty of Sexual Love

Welcome to February, Red Shtickers! We’ve got 28 days to get through with nothing but Valentine’s Day, Chinese New Year, and Mexican Flag Day for padding. Unfortunately, I know how to celebrate only one of these, but as a man who’s been with the same woman for 14 years, I know how to celebrate it right.

This month, I’m giving your sign a tastefully explained sexual act with which to express your love for that someone special. Where applicable, adjustments have been made to allow for partners of either sex. Just remember to stretch first.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 21-Feb. 19): “Feed the Bunny” — Similar in execution to an “Eskimo Kiss”: With your partner leaning forward with their hands preferably resting on a bed or other piece of stable furniture of similar height, spread their butt cheeks apart and rub your nose delicately yet lovingly against their exposed anus.

PISCES (Feb. 20-Mar. 20): “The Flaming Amazon” — At the moment of male sexual climax, either the ejaculator or his partner lights the recipient of said ejaculate’s pubic hair on fire. It is then extinguished with semen. This may also be achieved by a woman capable of female ejaculation (or willing to just urinate on her partner).

CANCER (June 22-July 22): “Kennebunkport Surprise” — Blindfold your partner and have them lie on their back with their legs spread. Before proceeding with cunnilingus or a rim job, fill your mouth with New England-style clam chowder (canned is suitable).

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 20): “The Alabama Hot Pocket” — The most common interpretation of the Alabama Hot Pocket involves defecating into a woman’s vagina prior to consummating one’s relationship. However, consider the alternative, which is similar to a chemically induced form of figging. In this variant, the phallus is sheathed in a condom lubricated generously with a methyl salicylate and menthol liniment, such as Bengay or Icy Hot.

TAURUS (Apr. 21-May 21): “Hot Carl” — The recipient lies on their back with their head turned to the side; this allows them to breathe after the cling wrap is placed on the side of their face. Their partner then defecates onto the plastic, allowing the heat to be felt through the wrap without soiling the recipient. Not to be confused with a “Glass-Bottom Boat” (defecating onto a glass table with a partner underneath) or a “Cleveland Steamer” (defecating directly upon the chest).

GEMINI (May 22-June 21): “Hot Lunch” — With the receiving partner lying supine, the performer squats over the recipient’s head and inserts their penis (or a strap-on) into the partner’s mouth. While thrusting in and out of the mouth, the performer defecates on the recipient’s chest. This can transition into a “Chili Dog,” wherein the performer copulates with the recipient’s feces-covered breasts. Not to be confused with a “Cold Lunch,” which involves vomit.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): “Kennebunkport Surprise” — Blindfold your partner and have them lie on their back with their legs spread. Before proceeding with cunnilingus or a rim job, fill your mouth with New England-style clam chowder (canned is suitable), and while pressing your lips to the orifice, punch your cheeks with suitable force to fill your partner with warm soup.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 21): “Munging” — Here we offer an update on a decidedly outdated classic. In the original, a freshly buried corpse is removed from the ground, and after flipping a coin, the loser of the toss places their open mouth against the genitals or anus of the deceased before the winner executes a flying elbow into its torso. Given modern embalming techniques, it is most likely that this will result in a mouthful of wadding and formaldehyde instead of decomposing organs. Instead, The Red Shtick suggests you open the coffin and check below the corpse’s feet for a “viscera bag” containing the deceased’s internal organs. Take this home and prepare it sous vide, monitoring the internal temperature until it reaches 98.6 degrees. Promptly dry the bag and use it as a pillow during missionary-style coitus.

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): “Dogs in a Bathtub” — During penetrative vaginal sex, the male attempts to fit both of his testicles into the woman’s anus. Despite adequate lube, it is quite difficult to keep both of them in place, hence the name.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 23): “Panamanian Petting Zoo” — Eight hours before sexual congress, heat and devour an entire bag of Birds Eye Steamfresh Super Sweet Corn. At the appointed time, defecate into a bowl and have your partner (wearing gloves or not) pick through it and remove all the corn kernels. Wash them to desired cleanliness. Sprinkle the kernels on the floor for your partner to consume while on all fours in the fashion of a petting zoo goat or sheep. Llamas also may be portrayed as appropriate.

LIBRA (Sept. 24-Oct. 23): “Dogs in a Bathtub” — During penetrative vaginal sex, the male attempts to fit both of his testicles into the woman’s anus. Despite adequate lube, it is quite difficult to keep both of them in place, hence the name.

SCORPIO (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): “Landshark” — The receiving partner bends at the waist and places their hands against a wall. From across the room, the performer places both of their hands on their head, palms together as if in prayer, to replicate a shark’s dorsal fin. The performer begins humming “Jaws — Main Title” and “First Victim” while rushing toward the “victim” pelvis-first. The phallus is then driven into the recipient, into whichever orifice is willing to receive it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 23-Dec. 22): “The Kentucky Klondike Bar” — Defecate onto a piece of suitably long wax paper. Place the exposed feces in your freezer overnight to allow it to thoroughly solidify. Midcoitus, insert it into your partner’s orifice of choice.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 23-Jan. 20): “The Rusty Trombone” — Often confused with simple A-T-M, this classic involves both the A and the M but on separate individuals. A male stands with an erection facing away from his kneeling partner. The partner then leans in and strokes the male’s anus (the mouthpiece) with their tongue while stroking the penis (the slide) with their dominant hand, reaching around the side of the male’s hips.

 

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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