Nick Saban Signs Five-year, $80 Million Contract to be North Korea’s Next Dictator

In a move that has rocked college football and international relations, Alabama football coach Nick Saban has inked a deal with the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea to succeed Kim Jong Un as the nation’s dictator.

Saban released a written statement saying, “After winning numerous championships with Alabama, and that one at LSU, I felt it was time to move on, and there’s no bigger challenge than becoming a god to millions of loyal subjects.”

Saban’s agent, Jimmy Sexton, said North Korea will pay the six-time national championship coach $80 million over five years to take the reins of the nuclear power.

While other details of Saban’s contract are a bit sketchy, ESPN’s Lisa Salters has learned the rogue nation was able to offer certain perks the University of Alabama couldn’t match.

“Alabama just wasn’t willing to let him execute anyone that disagreed with him.”

“While Saban is working with a less-than-stellar government, he will have total control. And I mean total control,” Salters reported. “Alabama just wasn’t willing to let him execute anyone that disagreed with him, nor throw his or her family and loved ones into prison, where they’d be humiliated on a daily basis. To Saban and his agent, this was a deal breaker.”

Many in both the sports and political worlds have wondered who Saban is bringing with him to this isolated region of the world to serve on his staff.

“Officially, Alabama administration officials have wished Saban the best of luck in his new venture. However, the fallout in Tuscaloosa could be devastating to the nation’s premier college football program,” Salters explained. “Plenty of five-star recruits will likely be tempted by the promise of plenty of playing time in Saban’s cabinet and personal guard, which is something most schools — even Alabama — can’t offer.”

When asked by a White House reporter to comment on his new adversary, President Donald Trump seemed cautiously optimistic.

“I’m not worried. Saban couldn’t hack it in the NFL. What makes him think he can run a country? USA will always be No. 1. I refuse to be his Les Miles.”

 

About Robert Rau

Robert Rau
Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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