Texas de Brazil, the nation’s premier hedonistic meat supplier, has drastically reduced the value of its promotional birthday coupon to cover just the bare necessities.
“Here at Texas de Brazil, we offer up the finest meats on sticks from around the world. And now that everyone can’t get enough of us, we’re making some changes,” Texas de Brazil founder Salah Izzedin said. “No more free rides just because you’ve got a hankering for our food around your birthday. So, instead of a monetary discount, we’re giving you a utensil you may or may not use anyway.”
While this revised deal might upset some fans of the Brazilian steakhouse, Izzedin doesn’t think it will hurt business.
“There might be people angry about how we treat our loyal customers, but I bet many of you are getting the meat sweats just thinking about our restaurant,” Izzedin explained. “As any good supplier knows, you offer the first one free to get them hooked, and now we’ve got all of you begging for more.”
“We’ve considered tying people’s hands behind their back if they use a gift card purchased at Sam’s Club.”
This significant decrease in value to celebrate one’s existence in this world is the fourth such reduction in recent years, and Izzedin doesn’t want to stop there.
“We’ve considered tying people’s hands behind their back if they use a gift card purchased at Sam’s Club,” Izzedin said. “And even though it would be funny to watch people eat our food like they’re in a pie-eating contest, that would hinder them from enjoying our salad bar, and that’s just wrong.”
Regular Texas de Brazil customers are seemingly OK with these changes.
“Man, they can do whatever they want as long as I can eat 10 types of animal,” area contractor Herbert Finds said. “My only complaint with the place is them serving Parmesan drummettes. Who the hell wants that?”
When asked what is next in store for the eatery’s loyal gluttons for punishment, a grinning Izzedin replied, “A lot of people don’t even have enough room at the end for our wonderful desserts. It would be a shame if we made them eat even more food just because it looks so good.”
Izzedin then cackled and rubbed his hands together maniacally.