President Donald Trump took to Twitter today, apparently bound and determined to prove to everyone that he isn’t a racist.
“I hate people calling me racist because that’s not true. And to prove how unracist I am, I’m going to have sex with every race there is. Black, white, Asian, pregnant, I don’t judge,” Trump tweeted.
Trump supporters applauded the sacrifice the president is making in order to prove his innocence.
“Here is a man of true conviction,” Vice President Mike Pence said. “As a Christian and a family man, I need to know if President Trump is going to stand by his proclamations. And by going so far as to bed all the races of the world, I am glad to call this man my president.”
“The man not only says he is not racist, but he’s also willing to walk the walk, no matter how long or uncomfortable that walk might be. Now that is a true man of God.”
Religious groups also have expressed support for Trump, touting his strong belief system as well as his stamina.
“We’ve finally got a no-nonsense leader in the White House,” U.S. Senate Chaplain Barry C. Black said. “The man not only says he is not racist, but he’s also willing to walk the walk, no matter how long or uncomfortable that walk might be. Now that is a true man of God.”
One of Trump’s favorite fast-food outlets, KFC, has offered moral support by creating a special “Presidential Bucket.”
“For just $19.99, you get 16 pieces of dark, white, and anything else that’s laying around in a bucket and covered in gravy,” Yum Brands CEO Greg Creed said. “We’ve been calling that the ‘Colonel in Chief Bucket’ because Trump insists on ordering that three times a week. He gets real excited when he gets it and does a little tippy-toe dance while watching the gravy get poured in. It’s adorable.”
Trump followed up his vow to have all-encompassing panracial sex with a message of hope.
“Here’s hoping that this international sexing solves all of my problems, and proves I’m the greatest man ever,” Trump tweeted. “Not just greatest president. Greatest person. And I’ll keep having sex with anyone and anything until everyone knows it’s true.”