Trump Insists He Doesn’t Have a Racist Bone in “Genetically Superior” White Body

Dogged by accusations that he’s a racist, President Donald Trump said his inherently supreme Anglo-Saxon skeleton does not contain any racist bones.

Trump’s declaration that he’s free from bigoted bones came one day after White House physician Dr. Ronny Johnson told reporters that the 71-year-old, sedentary, fast-food-loving president is in “excellent” health and “has incredibly good genes,” explaining “it’s just the way God made him.”

“I can assure you, I do not have a single racist bone in my body,” Trump told a gathering of women at the White House. “If I did have any racist bones, Dr. Johnson would’ve found them during the exam. But he didn’t. Instead, he found I have unbelievably great genes. I’m genetically superior, and totally not racist.”

“My genes are better than everyone else’s. Dr. Johnson said it himself. Isn’t it funny he never talked about how good the last guy’s genes were? I wonder why that is, huh? No wonder he was the worst president in history. He has inferior genes.”

The president went on to tout Dr. Johnson’s report as proof that the genetic code permeating his white, 6-foot-3-inch, allegedly 239-pound body is superior to that of former President Barack Obama.

“Look at me. I’m probably the healthiest man to ever live. Certainly the healthiest president, by far, all because my genes are better than everyone else’s. Dr. Johnson said it himself. Isn’t it funny he never talked about how good the last guy’s genes were? I wonder why that is, huh? No wonder he was the worst president in history. He has inferior genes.”

Later, Trump claimed his pre-eminent genes passed down to him from his Western European ancestors are responsible for his racist-boneless condition.

“I don’t have any racist bones in my body because of my superior genes. If I had inferior genes like Obama, I’d probably have hundreds of racist bones like he did. But I don’t, because my genes are the absolute best. It’s just like my father used to tell me all the time: Trumps have the best genes on Earth. And we’re totally not racist.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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