Trump Seeks to Trade in U.S. Constitution for “Younger, Hotter” Constitution

President Donald Trump wants a divorce from the 228-year-old U.S. Constitution in order to replace it with a much younger, more attractive document.

Trump said he can no longer live with the current Constitution and wants a split from it. The president instead wants to pursue a relationship with a more youthful Constitution that promises to make him happy.

In a telephone interview with The New York Times, Trump told Maggie Haberman that “America has the oldest Constitution in the world. It’s old and worn out. Have you seen how many wrinkles it has? That’s disgusting. And it talks way too much. Too many words. Just keeps yacking on and on about article this and article that. Just be quiet already.”

Trump went on to complain about other irreconcilable differences he has with the present Constitution.

The president also revealed some of the attributes he’s looking for in the nation’s next Constitution.

“I can promise you my next one won’t have a First Amendment, because that protects the fake news media and the losers and haters who say such nasty, mean things about me. And it won’t have a 25th one, either. I don’t know what No. 25 is, but I sometimes hear some people mention it right before saying ‘President Pence.’ Not good. Not good.”

Trump also said he wants the new Constitution to be free from a 14th Amendment because Rep. Steve King, of Iowa, told him “it’s bad.”

The president doesn’t dislike everything about the current document, however.

“I like that Second Amendment. It’s the most important one. That’s the one that lets me shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and get away with it. I like that.”

Later in the interview, Trump went on to complain about other irreconcilable differences he has with the present Constitution.

“What’s with all these extra branches of government that old thing has? Should’ve gotten those removed years ago. My new, younger, hotter Constitution won’t have a horrible judicial branch I’d have to look at. Believe me.”

Trump said he expects to find, in short order, a suitable replacement for the first and only Constitution the nation’s ever known.

“My new Constitution is going to be so hot. I can’t wait to ratify her brains out.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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