Louisiana Authorities Warn of Crawfish Tweakers Ahead of Boiling Season

HENDERSON — With crawfish season just around the corner, many South Louisiana residents are fiending for a chance to suck the heads and pinch the tails of Louisiana’s most iconic crustacean.

Area crawfish farmers report numerous individuals have been holding fervent prayer services at the edges of their ponds in Breaux Bridge in hopes of miraculously receiving a 5-pound delivery of spicy mudbugs, complete with an extra side of potatoes.

According to Father Jerome Broussard, of Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering in Gonzales, the church has been inundated with prayer requests from parishioners tweaking harder than crack addicts.

Local boiler Andre Lavergne said the situation resembles a pack of “trash pandas” hanging around the dumpster at closing time.

“I found 10 of them pacing the parking lot and bumping lines of Swamp Dust when I showed up to work.”

“If you thought raccoons were aggressive, you haven’t seen a bunch of Cajuns in December waiting for the first batch of crawfish to hit the boiler,” Lavergne said. “Just yesterday, I found 10 of them pacing the parking lot and bumping lines of Swamp Dust when I showed up to work.

“This situation has gotten out of control. Some people have even gone so far as to start eating the foreign crawfish on Chinese buffets — that’s how desperate they are for a fix.”

KATC meteorologist Rob Perillo also has been swamped with requests from locals begging him for prime weather conditions to increase supplies sooner.

“I’d order warm weather and rain, but I’d have to deal with climate change deniers, as well as Daniel Phillips yelling on air at the T-boys throwing wakes of floodwater behind their boats into people’s houses. Either way, you just can’t win,” Perillo explained.

Crawfish season is expected to kick off sometime later in the month.

If you or someone you know is suffering from this addiction, experts suggest isolation in a quiet room and hiding your wallet in a safe place.

 

About Manny Schewitz

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Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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