Ignoring all the known rules of time or basic human perception, President Donald Trump has declared this year, and every subsequent year, to be 2016.
Trump tweeted to his 44-million-plus followers that he was signing an executive order that would permanently restore the year of his electoral victory over former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
“2016 was a great year for me and many of my loyal constituents, so we’re making it 2016 again. Everyone will go back to loving and adoring me for being me, and not what I said I would be because that sucks.”
While he was not president in 2016, Donald Trump did have a lot going for him, which might explain why he wants to go back to that year and never leave it.
“Sure, we lost a lot of celebrities that year, but if that’s the trade-off for him to not be president, then I’m for it.”
“We’re talking about a guy who was adored by the public and media alike for saying dumb and entertaining things,” Trump historian Angela Himmel said. “He would be cheered and applauded for saying whatever everyone wanted to hear. Unfortunately, he now has to deliver on those promises, which were outlandish at the time. But by making it perpetually 2016, he believes he can go back to saying and doing whatever he felt like without any consequences.”
Even Trump opponents are in favor of this drastic shift in calendar.
“I may not like the guy, but I would certainly like him more if we were back in 2016,” retired gardener Hal Kiddles said. “Sure, we lost a lot of celebrities that year, but if that’s the trade-off for him to not be president, then I’m for it.”
Former President Barack Obama was a bit more concerned about the news, since this would mean he would have to return to the White House until this decree is overturned.
“Look, I don’t like our current situation as much as most of America,” the 44th president said, “but this decree means I’ll be president as long as this order exists, possibly fixing a lot of damage being done, but also making me Trump’s whipping boy until the end of time.”
Obama then aged 10 years in a matter of seconds.
Since this looks like his last order as commander in chief, the now-future President Trump is thrilled.
“Think about it, I’ll be President while never actually being President,” Trump tweeted. “It’s win-win, and I’m a genius and I’m going to live forever. #ForeverTrump”