An excited, all-caps President Donald Trump tweeted out his latest plan to save the struggling coal industry.
“I WORKED OUT A DEAL WITH SANTA, YOU’RE (sic) JOBS ARE SAVED COAL PEOPLE! WE’RE PUTTING ALL AMERICANS ON THE NAUGHTY LIST SO WE CAN GET THAT BEAUTIFUL, CLEAN BURNING FUEL INTO EVERYONE’S HOME! #IMNAUGHTY,” Trump tweeted earlier today.
Trump’s plan to save the last dying embers of a once-proud industry has been met with some skepticism.
“Let me get this straight: Santa is OK with this?” Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer asked. “I know the American people will be upset, but it’s hard to believe Santa would sell out all the nice kids in the United States just to make his job easier. We’re talking years of credibility and admiration down the drain. I hope Santa likes raisin cookies, because that’s what he’s getting if this is true.”
“THE HARD WORKING MEN AND WOMEN WILL CARVE TRUMP FACES IN ALL THE LUMPS OF COALS (sic) SO ALL THE KIDS KNOW WHO TO THANK. THEY’LL THANK ME, THE PRESIDENT. BECAUSE THAT’S ME.”
The president later used his Twitter account to outline his plan to replace many of Santa’s staff with the recently laid-off employees of the coal industry.
“THEIR (sic) GETTING THEIR JOBS BACK AND MOVING TO THE NORTH POLE. THERE THE HARD WORKING MEN AND WOMEN WILL CARVE TRUMP FACES IN ALL THE LUMPS OF COALS (sic) SO ALL THE KIDS KNOW WHO TO THANK. THEY’LL THANK ME, THE PRESIDENT. BECAUSE THAT’S ME.”
Details are sketchy, but the payroll for these newly employed workers will come in the form of goods and services rather than cash, mainly because Santa and his workshop have no money, nor any use for it.
“THESE LUCKY PEOPLE WILL WORK FOR COOKIES AND HUGS,” Trump explained in a subsequent tweet. “MAN, AREN’T THEY LUCKY. I WISH I WAS THEM. BUT I’M NOT. I’M THE PRESIDENT. YOU’RE WELCOME.”
Plans are already in place to add an orange coat of paint on all the gifted pieces of rock, along with various catchphrases like “Naughty Is the New Nice” and “Maybe Next Year.”
If all goes well, expect next year’s gifts to cover for other struggling industries.
“I HOPE YOU KIDS LIKE AOL INTERNET DISKS #CHRISTMAS2018,” Trump tweeted.