President Trump Leaves Twitter for Fear of ‘Star Wars’ Spoilers

A solemn Sarah Huckabee Sanders addressed the press today, stating that President Donald Trump has removed himself from all forms of social media, including Twitter, until he gets a chance to watch the new film Star Wars: The Last Jedi.

“We all love when the president says something outlandish on Twitter,” Sanders said in a prepared statement, “but President Trump is also a huge Star Wars fan, probably the biggest Star Wars fan in the world, and he would hate to find out about what happens to all of his beloved characters before he gets a chance to watch them on the big screen. So to make sure the movie isn’t ruined, the president will spend his time in isolation until he’s able to get a ticket.”

Some experts speculate the hype for the latest installment of this trilogy could keep Donald Trump off of Twitter for weeks.

“We’re talking about the event of the year for all Star Wars fans, so good luck on finding a ticket if you don’t have one already,” White House specialist Gal Fredrickson said. “Mr. Trump’s staff waited too long to secure a ticket for the president, and he might have to wait until next week before he can go to the theater.”

Twitter’s stock has fallen 75 percent since news broke that Trump will take a break from the social media platform for an undetermined amount of time.

Rumors have spread that Trump has tried to use executive privilege to score midnight screening passes but with no success.

“We are asking all Republican Star Wars fans to give up their seat on opening night for the president,” Sanders said. “In return, we can offer you five minutes in the White House to do whatever you want. Just go nuts. The president hates this place anyway.”

Twitter’s stock has fallen 75 percent since news broke that Trump will take a break from the social media platform for an undetermined amount of time.

“Man, that guy makes up like a third of our business,” Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey said. “We are just treading water now that he’s gone. And we never recommend anyone to quit cold turkey. That could lead to serious neurological disorders and panic attacks.”

When asked if Trump will follow the same protocol for next year’s standalone Han Solo movie, Sanders chuckled, “The president knows those movies don’t count.”

 

About Robert Rau

Robert Rau
Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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