“Screw You, Alabama” — Sincerely, Louisiana

As a lifelong Louisianan who endured the Duke-Edwards 1991 governor’s race, I’d just like to express my deepest, sincerest disdain for the state of Alabama for not electing a kid toucher to the U.S. Senate.

Honestly, I know our two states have a rather robust rivalry, what with that whole Nick Saban thing and Mobile constantly reminding people that Mardi Gras actually started there. But on behalf of the entire Bayou State, I’m here to offer a hearty “Screw you, Alabama” for failing to elect Roy Moore as the permanent replacement for Jeff Sessions.

If only your knee-jerk defiance against taking even the sagest advice from non-Alabamians had prevailed, nobody would give a shit anymore about Louisiana’s top ranking in poverty, cancer death rates, infant mortality, obesity, and any number of unbearably horrible things that one human being could do to another. And even if some asshole from Mississippi would’ve tried to dunk on us by bragging that his state came in second to Louisiana in the latest study scientifically cementing us as the worst state to live in, we could’ve simply reminded him that a majority of Alabama voters sent a pedophile to Washington, D.C., to represent them in the upper chamber of the U.S. Congress.

Aside from all the empirical data proving that we suck donkey dicks as a state, there’s lots of anecdotal evidence of that, too. Consider the string of homegrown serial killers we’ve had to endure over the past 15 years, or our connection to the JFK assassination and the investigation into anthrax mailings, or being home to a place known as “Cancer Alley” created by the shit we pump into our own air and water.

You were a measly 10,000 votes away from jumping on that grenade, but you just couldn’t do it, could you?

Yet, despite our impeccable status as a statewide shitshow, we’ve never even come close to knowingly voting into office a guy who faces credible accusations of raping teenage girls. From the bottom of our hearts, go screw yourself. You were a measly 10,000 votes away from jumping on that grenade, but you just couldn’t do it, could you?

Sure, we once had a Republican legislator who was a former grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. And yes, that same Holocaust-denying neo-Nazi had a legitimate shot at becoming governor. However, even our fat, dumb, carcinogen-laden, backward asses had enough sense to vote a known Democratic crook into a record fourth term instead.

Moreover, that same known crook once famously claimed that the only way he could lose an election was to get caught with either a dead girl or a live boy. As utterly disgusting as juvenile necrophilia might be, if you stop and think about it, it’s still essentially a victimless crime. The same can’t be said of the sexual assault of living, breathing girls (or boys).

You have no idea how much we were looking forward to you openly deciding to have an even lower bar than ours. I mean, I know y’all voted for George Wallace and all, but up until Roy Moore became a heavy favorite, I’d have said no one has worse standards for elected officials than Louisiana.

Seriously, we’ve elected some truly awful people to statewide office. Nearly half of our insurance commissioners have gone to jail. We re-elected to the U.S. Senate — and strongly considered sending to the Governor’s Mansion — a “family values” Republican after he called the infamous D.C. madam instead of voting on a resolution to honor troops who died in combat.

You have no idea how much we were looking forward to you openly deciding to have an even lower bar than ours.

For Christ’s sake, Huey Long forced loyalists to sign a resignation letter in case they stepped out of line. Did I mention we made him both governor and U.S. senator, and he likely was going to run for president against FDR in 1936, and his shadow literally still looms large here despite his reputation as an autocratic thug whose cronies went to prison once he was no longer around to protect their corrupt asses?

Did I also forget to mention that Huey Long’s younger brother — and yes, governor of Louisiana — Earl was once actually committed to a mental institution while in office? And that around that same time, he was cheating on his wife with a famous stripper from the French Quarter (who was of legal age and consenting to the sexual contact, by the way)?

Yeah, they’ve literally made multiple movies, starring the likes of John Goodman, Sean Penn, and Paul Newman, about our state’s simultaneously most infamous and most revered political family.

Oh, I know Hollywood has made a politically themed flick or two about Alabama, but the ones about us are more comedic than dramatic. Let’s face it: Hollywood has a penchant for getting cheap laughs at the expense of Southerners. For the rest of the country, Louisiana has been the ultimate punchline.

And now it shall continue to be so, all because you didn’t seize the day.

Go screw yourself, Bama.


About Jeremy White

Jeremy White is an engineer by education, but a smartass by birth. He managed to overcome the obstacles presented by his technical background, and has brilliantly devised a way to make a living making fun of people.

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