Jesus Christ Relieved of Duty as Savior After Accusations of Sexual Harassment

The only begotten Son of the Almighty is no longer serving as the savior of mankind amid allegations of sexual harassment in the workplace, according to a press release from the Kingdom of God.

The Office of the Creator of Heaven and Earth released a statement saying Jesus Christ had been removed from his long-held position at the right hand of God pending the outcome of an ongoing investigation into claims He had inappropriate behavior with low-level angels.

“The Most High has relieved Jesus Christ of His duties as humanity’s one and only true path to salvation after learning of allegations of His inappropriate behavior with subordinate seraphim on staff in heaven,” the statement reads. “We take these allegations seriously and are committed to maintaining a safe, respectful, and supportive work environment.”

Reaction from earthly followers of the King of the Jews has been mixed.

The Nazarene has been placed on leave without pay for an indefinite amount of time, primarily because the concepts of money and time do not exist in eternity.

“All this time, we looked at Him like He could walk on water. I guess no one is perfect, even Jesus himself,” said Maureen Connolly, of Baton Rouge.

Meanwhile, Prairieville’s Thomas Lanata is more sympathetic to the plight of the Light of the World.

“He’s the Son of God, but He’s also the son of man, and a man has needs. Plus, He’s the son of David, and David liked the ladies. He liked them a lot,” Lanata explained. “Besides, they don’t call them angels ‘heavenly beings’ for nothing, am I right?”

Lanata’s neighbor Carl Melancon also is forgiving when it comes to the alleged transgressions of the One best known for the forgiveness of transgressions.

“He died on the cross for our sins, for Christ’s sake. Give Him a break. If anybody’s earned the right to play a little grabass with the help, it’s Him. What, God can forgive everybody but Him? Come on.”

The Nazarene has been placed on leave without pay for an indefinite amount of time, primarily because the concepts of money and time do not exist in eternity. In the interim, Christ’s salvation duties will be split among Moses, St. Peter, and Steve Jobs.

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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