Trump Seeks to Replace Judiciary, NFL With Gladiatorial Death Matches

An entire branch of government and the world’s largest professional sports league will both cease to exist, according to President Donald Trump, who wishes to supplant them with armed contests to the death, similar to those held in ancient Rome.

Trump told reporters this week that he plans to eliminate the constitutionally mandated judiciary and the National Football League and replace both with one-on-one battles in coliseums around the country. The chief executive said the gladiatorial matches would settle all legal matters while also entertaining millions of Americans with a combative sport free from political protests.

“All these activist judges who won’t let me make America great again and NFL players taking knees during the national anthem are ruining our country,” Trump told members of the press gathered in the White House Rose Garden. “That’s why today I’m announcing my plan to form what I call the Justice League. I came up with that name, despite what those losers at DC Comics might say. What a horrible movie.”

After going on a five-minute tangent about Gal Gadot being “a hotter Wonder Woman” than Linda Carter, Trump continued, “It’ll replace the judicial branch and the NFL with top-notch, highly entertaining death matches in stadiums and arenas all across this great country of ours. Everybody involved will stand for the national anthem or else be thrown to the lions. Real lions, not that sad excuse for a football team in that dump Detroit.”

The president is confident Americans will endorse his plan, claiming they’d much rather see people fight to the death than see them fight in court or play professional football.

Under the president’s Justice League proposal, if two parties have a legal dispute, the principals involved would battle each other to the death in armed combat in front of thousands of people paying top dollar to attend the match, according to Trump. If multiple litigants are involved on each side, the contest would continue until principals representing only one party remained alive.

The matches would be aired on cable and streamed online via pay-per-view. Proceeds from ticket and PPV sales would be used to fund massive tax breaks for the nation’s top one percent of income earners, White House sources said.

The president is confident Americans will endorse his plan, claiming they’d much rather see people fight to the death than see them fight in court or play professional football.

“Believe me, I know what fans want. After all, I owned the New Jersey Generals, one of the most successful sports franchises in the history of sports,” Trump boasted. “In my Justice League, you won’t see sissies coming out for concussions or refs throwing flags because somebody took a beautiful shot to the head with a mace.”

As for any legal battles involving Trump or his family, Trump said Secret Service agents sworn to protect the first family would fight on their behalf.

“They knew what they were signing up for,” he said.

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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