AWFUL: Iberia Parish Crime Stoppers Spokesman Disabled After Chinese Finger Trap Mishap

NEW IBERIA — Iberia Parish Crime Stoppers spokesman and America’s most-expressive-hand-gestures cop Sgt. Stephen Guidry will be out of action indefinitely after an unfortunate incident involving a Chinese finger trap toy.

Sources at the Iberia Parish Sheriff’s Office say Guidry was investigating a break-in at a New Iberia convenience store when he became fascinated by the toy, which apparently was left behind by a small child. Believing it could be a clue in the robbery investigation, Guidry reportedly picked up the finger trap and made the mistake of sticking both index fingers into it, instantly rendering the spokesman unable to perform his characteristic wild hand gestures on Crime Stoppers episodes.

All is not lost for the brave deputy, however. A spokesman for Mr. Gatti’s has confirmed that Guidry does have a promising future performing for kids on the weekends if he is unable to continue his law enforcement and TV career.

Guidry reportedly picked up the finger trap and made the mistake of sticking both index fingers into it, instantly rendering the spokesman unable to perform his characteristic wild hand gestures on Crime Stoppers episodes.

Until it is able to find a replacement, the Sheriff’s Office has enlisted the help of Troy Landry, from the A&E show Swamp People, as well as a gang of trash pandas from a local trailer park. This decision reportedly was made after U.S. Rep. Clay Higgins turned down the job, citing both possible retribution from the Gremlins Gang and further garnishment of his congressional salary for child support.

The Iberia Parish Sheriff’s Office has asked that you keep Sgt. Guidry, his family, and the agency in your thoughts and prayers during these trying times.

 

About Manny Schewitz

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Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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