It is an annual tradition for the president to pardon one lucky turkey, saving it from being devoured on Thanksgiving Day.
This year, however, President Donald Trump is breaking with tradition and pardoning something more dear to his heart.
“Every year, some lucky turkey gets pardoned, but turkeys are gross,” the president said in a press conference earlier today. “This year, I’m pardoning the finest food America has to offer: a steak burnt to a crisp and doused in ketchup. Man, my mouth is watering just thinking about it, but I won’t be eating this guy.” The president then pointed to a plate of charred, indistinguishable food and a bottle of Heinz ketchup.
When asked what will happen to the meat, Trump assured that the mass of protein will get to live a healthy life.
“I don’t even think he knows where meat comes from. I’ve spoken to several eyewitnesses who attest to Trump trying to put the pardoned steak into a three-piece suit and a wig.”
“No one is going to touch Pedro,” the president said. “I named him Pedro; isn’t that cute? He will go to a meat farm and get to run with all the other meats and be happy and live forever, just like me one day.”
While pardoning an overcooked piece of beef instead of the traditional turkey may seem unusual for a president, it certainly isn’t strange for Trump. Nevertheless, some analysts are questioning what he’s actually pardoning.
“If Trump was concerned about saving something, why didn’t he pardon a cow before it was slaughtered?” fake news CNN reporter Jim Acosta asked. “I don’t even think he knows where meat comes from. I’ve spoken to several eyewitnesses who attest to Trump trying to put the pardoned steak into a three-piece suit and a wig.”
Word is Trump also is making a few more changes to the celebration.
“My aides have assured me that Pedro is OK with us eating his family, so we are going to have a meat feast on Thanksgiving, with a bucket of fries for all my guests,” Trump explained. “It will be just like eating at Texas de Brazil, but so much classier. God bless us, every one. Especially me.”