Report: Blake Shelton Colluded With Russians to Become World’s Sexiest Man

In a press conference earlier today, Robert Mueller released the most damning evidence of Russian interference in our elections.

“We have determined that Blake Shelton met with representatives of the Russian government on multiple occasions and talked exclusively about becoming the world’s sexiest man,” Mueller told reporters. “Shelton had been a great admirer of Vladimir Putin, especially his shirtless photo shoots, and felt Putin and his government could get him that much closer to his goal.”

News of this heinous activity has rocked the entertainment industry to the core. Shelton’s wife, Gwen Stefani, was visibly shaken.

“Blake told me he was never interested in appearance,” Stefani told the Los Angeles Times. “He said the soul was the sexiest thing about me, and I believed him. Now he committed treason just to fulfill a selfish goal. I just don’t know what to think anymore.”

“I thought he could cheat on many things, like every season he won The Voice, but not this. Blake really needs to consider what turning your back on your country just to feel pretty will do.”

While many people were skeptical about the decision to make the 41-year-old DILF the epitome of male attractiveness, no one would have thought he could sink to these levels.

“I thought he could cheat on many things, like every season he won The Voice, but not this,” said Shelton’s at least slightly sexier co-star of The Voice, Adam Levine. “Blake really needs to consider what turning your back on your country just to feel pretty will do.”

While the Russian government has yet to officially address these allegations, many believe this development is connected to Vladimir Putin’s guest spot on the next season of The Voice, a charge executives with the show have vehemently denied.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” said The Voice show creator John de Mol. “Putin has the voice of an angel and earned his way onto the show, just like every contestant. And if he wins, it will strictly be a result of his natural talent, and not all of this sexy unpleasantness.”

 

About Robert Rau

Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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