Gov. Edwards Plans to Reduce Louisiana’s STD Rate by Selling Area North of U.S. 190 to Arkansas

A recent study revealed Louisiana has the second-highest rate of sexually transmitted disease in the country, and Gov. John Bel Edwards isn’t taking the bad news lying down.

Edwards threw together a plan to fix the problem as soon as the news broke, and it will almost certainly send shockwaves throughout the state.

The proposal calls for selling off to Arkansas all areas of the state north of U.S. 190, with the exception of casinos, in order to spare Louisiana from further healthcare-related costs and national shame. If approved by the legislature, the deal would move Arkansas’ meth capital from Harrisburg to Turkey Creek, which would likely come as a great relief to the residents of that otherwise unknown town.

“We may lose some valuable crawfish ponds and subpar boudin stores, but that’s a price we’re willing to pay in order to be rid of Monroe and Shreveport.”

Edwards said his plan would reduce Louisiana’s STD rate by approximately 40 percent, with the biggest reduction coming as a result of Opelousas, as well as outlying pandemic points like Eunice and Church Point, suddenly being across the newly drawn state line.

“The hardest part of this negotiation was getting Arkansas to agree to take both Jeff Landry and Clay Higgins, but the effort was well worth it in regards to reducing our national embarrassment factor by at least 25 percent,” Edwards explained. “We may lose some valuable crawfish ponds and subpar boudin stores, but that’s a price we’re willing to pay in order to be rid of Monroe and Shreveport.”

The new state lines are expected to be drawn before the 2019 election, which would require U.S. Sen. John Kennedy to decide which state’s governor’s mansion he wants to run for.

 

About Manny Schewitz

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Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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