It’s been a pretty bad week for Harvey Weinstein. The Hollywood mogul has come under fire for decades of alleged misconduct toward women, many of whom have come forward with their stories of his sexual harassment. His wife is divorcing him, his company he helped found has kicked him out, and his career in the film industry is probably over.
However, not all is lost for Harvey Weinstein.
According to our sources at the White House, despite Weinstein completely lacking any relevant expertise, President Donald Trump has chosen him to replace Tom Price as Secretary of Health and Human Services.
The Red Shtick was able to obtain an exclusive statement from The Donald after a low-speed golf cart chase across his Bedminster, NJ, golf course.
“Harvey Weinstein was simply trying to provide gynecological services to women in need, whether they knew they needed these services or not.”
“Nobody, other than me, cares about women and their private health needs like Harvey Weinstein,” Trump explained. “I understand that he has many decades of experience with their anatomies, much like me.
“I know that the liberal fake news media will say that he is a rapist and a predator. That is completely untrue. Harvey Weinstein was simply trying to provide gynecological services to women in need, whether they knew they needed these services or not,” Trump added.
Paul Ryan, serving as the presidential ball washer, was beside himself with glee at the thought of the Weinstein appointment.
“Mr. Weinstein has a great way with women. I’m surprised that he wasn’t a Republican until now,” Ryan said. “In fact, he’s the perfect pick for health secretary.
“If he takes the job, we will send him on a nationwide tour, providing forced vaginal ultrasounds for any woman who manages to find an abortion clinic. If our abortion restrictions aren’t enough to keep Bobbi Sue from Mississippi from traveling hundreds of miles and waiting days to get a procedure done, Mr. Weinstein will be there to enforce God’s will upon her. God bless America.”