In a press conference earlier today, a group of researchers announced they’ve changed the classification of Louisiana’s capital city from solid to liquid.
“While working on our five-year study titled ‘Baton Rouge: Why Would Anyone Live Here?’ we discovered this significant change,” said Dr. Leonard Himmons, head scientist and spokesman for the group. “Baton Rouge can no longer be considered a solid, and it certainly isn’t a gas, so what else is there?”
These results have puzzled residents of Baton Rouge. While many are worried about the fiscal effects of being the first fluid city, others are starting to doubt their own existence.
“Does that make me a fish, or a mermaid?” longtime resident Mal Shorer asked. “If I’m a mermaid, I can’t be married to no fish. Maybe a dolphin, but no fish.”
“Baton Rouge can no longer be considered a solid, and it certainly isn’t a gas, so what else is there?”
Border towns like Denham Springs and Port Allen also have started to doubt their consistency, but Himmons reassured them.
“We worked with a team of dozens of highly qualified individuals who spent countless hours researching this project. Denham Springs and Port Allen are simply not worth our effort.”
When asked if there is a plan to bring Baton Rouge back to its original state, Himmons seemed less than optimistic.
“We’re simply conveying the results of our research. We can’t actually do anything about it. Science is meant to make people feel bad, and from the response of many area residents, it looks like we are doing our jobs.”
Surprisingly, Baton Rouge has seemingly embraced this new status with open arms, relying on local businesses like Blue Bayou Waterpark and Kentwood Springs Water to help out in the transition. Even former LSU basketball star Shaquille O’Neal has stepped in and offered to donate all proceeds from his latest rap album, Icy Hot or Die, to help Baton Rouge.
“They helped me out; now it’s time to return the favor,” Shaq said. “I hope they don’t get drank.”
When asked if this might apply to any other significant city, Himmons explained, “We are already using this data for other studies, such as ‘Biloxi: The Best City in the Worst State’ and ‘Jacksonville: Maybe They Have Family There.’”