PORT BARRE — Louisiana Congressman Clay Higgins has been trying to break into the film industry ever since the former St. Landry Parish Crime Stoppers spokesman first posed in front of a KATC TV-3 news camera a couple of years ago.
During the recent congressional break, the freshman Republican reportedly went couch surfing in Las Vegas while exploring his options in the adult film industry. Several bottles of Cialis later, Higgins emerged from a Las Vegas warehouse with a copy of his debut film, 50 Shade of Clay, which he dropped off at the The Daily Crawfish’s office at The Greenroom in downtown Lafayette.
Per doctor’s orders, our staff did not watch the film, so we sought the critiques of a few local politicians and some homeless folks who hang out downtown. A couple of hipsters also agreed to view Higgins’ adult film debut in exchange for some PBR tallboys and packs of Native Spirit cigarettes.
“I haven’t seen someone get off on cuckolding since the time I was an active member of the Lafayette swingers scene. Wait … this guy looks familiar.”
Here’s what they had to say:
“I haven’t seen someone get off on cuckolding since the time I was an active member of the Lafayette swingers scene. Wait … this guy looks familiar.” — Jared Smith, unemployed oilfield worker
“I thought I was a dick, but did you see the way Higgins yelled at the five black men who were loving his fictional wife? This shit is gonna make me go to rehab.” — Andrew Brousssard, graphic artist
“I’ve seen better adult scenes with two alligators on a trotline in the basin before I yelled ‘Choot ’em!'” — Troy Landry, area alligator assassin
“Wait, what in the actual hell is this?” — Joel Robideaux, Lafayette politician
“I would rather drag my testicles through 2 miles of broken glass and listen to Donald Trump fart through a walkie-talkie than sit through a minute of this video.” — Chuck Boustany, former congressman
“I can’t fap to this. Oh hell naw! This shit gonna make me go gay.” — Antwaun Williams, gas station attendant
“This is the most embarrassing thing I’ve seen since the Falcons blew a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl.” — Andrew Brees, local fantasy football quarterback
“Someone needs to go to jail for this.” — Bryan Hope, sheriff’s department employee
“I’m dead.” — Hugh Hefner