Puerto Rico-bound Cajun Navy Lands in Africa After GPS Errors

LAGOS, NIGERIA — In an unfortunate navigation miscalculation, hundreds of red-faced members of the Cajun Navy docked in Lagos, Nigeria, instead of San Juan, Puerto Rico, after someone forgot to perform a GPS software update.

A member of the famed informal rescue organization reportedly purchased the 2008 Garmin device in question from the Jockey Lot thrift store in Carencro just three days before they were scheduled to depart for Puerto Rico.

However, due to the fact that the device’s software had not been updated for more than seven years, the group’s flagship, the naval destroyer CND Thibodeaux, led them over 4,000 nautical miles off course.

The collective of weekend pleasure boat owners and duck hunters set off from Buras in Plaquemines Parish, but instead of heading to the U.S. territory devastated by Hurricane Maria, they ended up in the African city best known for internet scams.

Mr. Thibodeaux from Eunice noticed that something was wrong when he hadn’t seen land in almost 30 hours. The fact that he couldn’t understand GPS directions given in Mexican didn’t help matters, either. It was a nightmare.

We spoke via satellite phone to self-appointed Rear Admiral Blake Robideaux, from the Franklin chapter of the Cajun Navy.

“We suffered greatly once we left the range of Louisiana radio stations like KBON 101.1,” Robideaux said. “We thought that we would arrive quickly in Puerto Rico and be greeted by thousands of desperate Mexicans who needed our help. There was a ton of people who volunteered when they heard Nik L Beer was onboard. I guess they thought it was a booze cruise.

“But instead, Mr. Thibodeaux from Eunice noticed that something was wrong when he hadn’t seen land in almost 30 hours. The fact that he couldn’t understand GPS directions given in Mexican didn’t help matters, either. It was a nightmare.

“Right now, we’re in Nigeria, which kinda resembles South Louisiana. The shanty shacks look just like the ones in Franklin, anyway. We should be able to set sail for Puerto Rico once I download the updated software at an internet cafe. I’ll make sure to download the ‘Spanish for Couillons’ program, too.

“Another important lesson that we learned the hard way is that you can’t find Skoal or Bud Light easily on other continents. Boudreaux from Cecilia has been tweaking ever since we rounded the Straits of Florida.”

Robideaux added that the group did manage to turn the trans-Atlantic snafu into a rescue mission of a different sort.

“On the bright side, Louisiana’s budget crisis should be solved, as soon as the money from that Nigerian prince’s lost fortune is sent to Baton Rouge.”

Commissioner of Administration Jay Dardenne said he’s received confirmation via email that $55 billion will be deposited into Louisiana’s coffers once he sends a $500 processing fee to Nigerian Ambassador Gomer Akhigbe via Western Union.

The Red Shtick will keep you up-to-date as the fleet returns or gets caught up in a hurricane.

 

About Manny Schewitz

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Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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