LSU fans are outraged that Mike VII, the school’s newest live tiger mascot, has yet to stand for the national anthem before an on-campus football game.
Unemployed oilfield worker “T-Dave” Richeaux has threatened to burn his LSU jersey from 2007 in protest. That year was the last time LSU won a national championship in the sport, as well as the last time the New Iberia resident could afford to purchase the university’s gear.
“It’s bad enough that we have liberals who hate our country and refuse to stand for the national anthem, but now even our tiger has betrayed the great armchair patriots of Louisiana,” Richeaux claimed. “According to InfoWars, Mike VII is part of the New World Order that wants to combine the ACC and SEC, and make LSU play third-tier teams like ULL, or even Grambling.”
Other residents of the same trailer park also expressed their outrage in a series of “mais yeahs” and echoes of “gawwww” before returning to the latest episode of Hannity.
“Now even our tiger has betrayed the great armchair patriots of Louisiana.”
Through an interpreter, Mike VII told The Red Shtick that he was confused about the local language and the patriotism of LSU fans.
“I don’t even quite know where I am right now. They told me I was going to an American college, but there are weird flags of rebellion at the tailgates and people speaking something that sounds like English muttered by drunken French tourists on Bourbon Street at four in the morning.
“Honestly, I’m a fucking rescue tiger. I’m just lounging in this awesome pen and taking photos with these poor folks from Jennings and Bogalusa who can’t afford tickets to the game. I don’t even know what these people want from me right now. I was hoping to go somewhere like the National Zoo, or even the circus, but here I am in Baton Rouge. Fuck my nine lives.”