Sen. Bill Cassidy Fails Humanity-confirming Kimmel, Turing Tests

Louisiana’s senior U.S. senator has failed two tests, including one he created, that involve discerning an entity’s status as a bona fide human being.

Republican Sen. Bill Cassidy managed to flunk both his self-described “Kimmel Test” and the Turing test — which tests a machine’s ability to exhibit behavior indistinguishable from that of a human — by co-authoring a bill that would gut health care funding for the most vulnerable Americans.

The physician, along with fellow Sen. Lindsey Graham, introduced the Cassidy-Graham bill, an Obamacare replacement measure that would eliminate the current Medicaid expansion and result in an estimated 30 million people losing their health care due to increased premiums. The legislation also would allow individual states to determine whether insurance companies could charge more for pre-existing conditions, as well as whether policyholders would be subject to lifetime coverage caps.

Numerous health care advocates argue that, by offering this version of health care overhaul, Cassidy overwhelmingly fell short of meeting the Kimmel Test, a humanity-confirming standard he imposed upon himself months earlier.

“I’ve yet to see Cassidy pass the Turing test, and this bill certainly hurts the argument that he’s a real person.”

“Throughout the summer, he’s been going around trying to sound like he has a soul by saying no family should be denied medical care because they can’t afford it. But this bill proves otherwise as he utterly fails his own Kimmel Test,” AARP CEO Jo Ann Jenkins said, referencing the term coined by Cassidy and inspired by late-night host Jimmy Kimmel’s disclosure of his son’s costly emergency heart surgery.

Additionally, the stiff, awkward, and seemingly animatronic Cassidy failed to prove he is not a machine attempting to pass itself off as an actual human, according to artificial intelligence experts.

“I’ve yet to see Cassidy pass the Turing test, and this bill certainly hurts the argument that he’s a real person,” explained Angelica Lim, an artificial intelligence roboticist at SoftBank Robotics. “Siri on your iPhone is more convincing at being human than Cassidy.”

When reached for comment, Cassidy insisted, “My bill does pass the Kimmel Test. And as for the Turing test, my wife constantly reassures me that I’m human enough for her. In fact, with a couple more upgrades, I’ll probably even pass the Voight-Kampff test.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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