New Iberia Threatens Lafayette With Interparish Nuclear Missile Strike

New Iberia Mayor Freddie Decourt is hopping mad at Lafayette Parish’s plan to build a wall along its borders with Iberia and St. Martin parishes, and is reportedly planning to retaliate with a nuclear strike.

According to sources at Rep. Clay Higgins’ office, the freshman congressman has convinced President Donald Trump to redirect funds for the proposed border wall with Mexico to erecting a shorter, but even more important, wall to keep Lafayette’s southern neighbors out.

Lafayette Mayor-President Joel Robideaux is seeking approximately $200 million in federal dollars to both complete the I-49 corridor and construct the security wall to ensure immigrants from New Iberia aren’t able to sneak across the border into Lafayette Parish.

“They are not our friend, believe me,” he said about Iberia Parish immigrants. “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

“We don’t see them as a technological military threat. I mean, have you even seen the average resident’s reading and math scores?”

Robideaux added, “After the oilfield crash, they’ve been streaming north and taking precious Burger King and Walmart jobs away from our most vulnerable residents. We hope that this wall will make Lafayette great again.”

In response, New Iberia is rumored to be developing a base complete with interparish ballistic missiles tipped with weapons of mass destruction. Preliminary reports confirm five test firings, three of which landed in a sugarcane field. Another came down in a trailer park, while the most destructive one crashed into a meth lab, causing approximately $50,000 in damage.

Lafayette Parish residents don’t seem too concerned by this threat from their southern neighbors. In fact, according to University of Louisiana at Lafayette physics professor Heauxf Lings Pugh, New Iberia is still decades away from creating a missile sophisticated enough to threaten Lafayette.

“Right now, our greatest concern with New Iberia is their constant stream of refugees,” Pugh explained. “We don’t see them as a technological military threat. I mean, have you even seen the average resident’s reading and math scores?”

At last report, Higgins and Skoal Team Six were deployed at Michael’s Mens Club, looking for undocumented Plexus Slim representatives seeking to augment their income on a stripper pole.


About Manny Schewitz

Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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