Report: WBRZ Had Ribs Removed to Suck Its Own Dick

Baton Rouge’s ABC affiliate had two pairs of lower ribs surgically removed in order to facilitate autofellatio, according to sources close to station management.

Several current and former WBRZ employees confirm the TV station underwent elective surgery in late 2014 with the express purpose of gaining the necessary dexterity to thoroughly suck its own dick.

An anonymous WBRZ news producer said the channel known for shamelessly bragging about creating news with Chris Nakamoto’s investigative reports was no longer satisfied with merely patting itself on the back.

“The folks running the station said boasting about Nakamoto getting people fired just wasn’t doing anything for them anymore,” the 12-year WBRZ employee explained. “They wanted to take public self-gratification to the next level. They were hell-bent on making Channel 2 able to go balls deep on itself. All options were on the table.”

“After coming in second in ratings for so many years, the taste of your own dick has to be better than the taste of WAFB’s dust.”

At a meeting called by WBRZ President Richard Manship to address the issue of enabling the station to orally pleasure itself, one person mentioned the specious claim that rock star Marilyn Manson had his lower ribs removed for that exact reason, according to a former assistant news director.

“They talked about doing all sorts of things, like the station taking up yoga, losing weight, and doing all sorts of stretches every day so that hopefully, one day, it could totally suck itself off on the airwaves,” he recalled. “Then someone in management floated the idea of going full Marilyn Manson and getting some ribs removed.”

The former employee insists he futilely argued at the meeting that Manson’s alleged rib resection was an unfounded rumor, but says Manship and the rest of the station’s management team were inexorably enthralled with the proposal.

“Ultimately, they decided to go with the quick fix based on an urban legend rather than spend years doing things with no real promise of a payoff,” he said. “I guess I really can’t blame them for doing something so radical. After coming in second in ratings for so many years, the taste of your own dick has to be better than the taste of WAFB’s dust.”

An unnamed surgeon reportedly removed WBRZ’s vertebral, or “floating,” ribs in an in-house procedure at the station’s offices on Highland Road in December 2014.

The procedure appears to have produced the desired results. Thousands of Baton Rouge residents have spotted Channel 2 fellating itself while taking credit for pissing off an entire state.

When reached for comment, Manship replied, “This station’s dick won’t suck itself. At least not yet. We’re working on making that happen by the next sweeps period.” He added, “Hashtag just one station can suck itself dry.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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