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While the country has been buzzing about President Donald Trump’s decision to end the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, the White House also is considering plans to deport the nation’s entire Cajun population.
Despite the lamestream media’s failure to report on this shocking development, The Red Shtick’s news partner Daily Crawfish News was granted exclusive access to ask the president about his plans by bribing unnamed officials with bags of pepper jack boudin balls from Billy’s Mini Mart in Krotz Springs.
Once inside the West Wing, DCN was able to sit down one-on-one with Trump, who explained why Cajuns were next on the list.
“These people are here without permission,” Trump said. “Hell, they don’t even speak American very well, and their food sucks. I mean, have you even tried boudin? It looks like something I squeeze out every morning while I’m on Twitter. The last time I ate some of it by mistake, my ass hurt so bad that I almost nuked Lafayette before John Kelly ripped the codes away.
“Their English isn’t much better than a native Mexican speaker, and you can often find them in the same places — you know, Catholic churches, flea markets, music festivals with accordions, etc.”
“We were considering selling Louisiana back to France, but it turns out they have a lot of oil. Like, a tremendous amount of oil. The place practically swims in the stuff, and I’m not just talking about the food.”
When asked how he would find and deport Cajuns, Trump hid behind Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who provided the details.
“Honestly, it’s not that hard. Their English isn’t much better than a native Mexican speaker, and you can often find them in the same places — you know, Catholic churches, flea markets, music festivals with accordions, etc. Since their families brought them here illegally, we should be able to round them up at the same time. I believe they call that ‘lagniappe’ down in Louisiana,” Sessions explained.
Daily Crawfish News and The Red Shtick will keep you up-to-date with further developments to this story as it unfolds.
