Without DACA, ICE to Deport “Dreamer” Kal-El

U.S. immigration officials say they will deport a foreign-born American icon whose parents illegally sent him to rural Kansas as a small child — unless Congress or President Donald Trump acts to protect nearly a million such immigrants.

Following Trump’s decision to end former President Barack Obama’s policy of Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA), Immigration and Customs Enforcement Acting Director Thomas Homan said that if DACA protections are not re-enacted by the president or replaced by statutory immigration reform, ICE will send the Kryptonian Kal-El — best known as Superman — along with the other 800,000 “dreamers” who immigrated to the U.S. illegally as minors back to where they were born.

“This is a nation of laws,” Homan explained. “So unless President Trump changes his mind, or if Congress doesn’t pass a law granting immunity to those previously protected by DACA, our officers will begin rounding up individuals who unlawfully immigrated to the U.S., even if they were too young to know any better or do anything about it.”

When asked if Kal-El would be targeted for deportation, Homan confirmed ICE officials would do everything within their power to send the man of steel back to his home planet of Krypton, which exploded shortly after his biological parents engineered his escape from the doomed orb.

“He claims to stand for truth, justice, and the American way. If that were true, he wouldn’t have come here illegally.”

“His homeland’s destruction notwithstanding, we’ll deport the son of Jor-El to Krypton if the law isn’t changed,” Homan insisted.

Despite his well-documented history of fighting crime and saving untold innocent lives since 1938, many Trump supporters have no problem with Kal-El’s potential deportation, even if they owe their very lives to him.

“He claims to stand for truth, justice, and the American way. If that were true, he wouldn’t have come here illegally,” Vernon Braxton said of the alien who was placed by his Kryptonian parents Jor-El and Lara in an Earth-bound ship as an infant, and who was eventually found and given the name Clark Kent by his adoptive parents in the town of Smallville. “Sure, he saved my life by keeping our school bus from crashing off the Golden Gate Bridge during a massive earthquake when I was on a field trip as a kid, but the law is the law.”

Trump voter Helen Whittington believes any sympathy Kal-El may have earned as Superman is more than negated by his alter ego Clark Kent’s association with the Daily Planet newspaper.

“I don’t care how many times he’s saved the world from Lex Luthor, General Zod, Doomsday, or whatever. Clark Kent is part of the fake news media that is out to destroy America. I’ll personally put the Kryptonite handcuffs on him and send his ass back to where he came from,” Whittington stated.

As for keeping Kal-El and the other 800,000 dreamers from returning without following U.S. immigration laws, Whittington is confident in the president’s ability to secure the border with his much-ballyhooed wall, even from a man known for his ability to fly.

“He might be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but he ain’t getting over that wall. Trump all the way, baby!”


About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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