Lower-Middle-Class LSU Student Desperate for Successful Football Season

Fearing that another round of cuts to higher education funding would render his degree useless, LSU senior chemical engineering student Shyrone Meadows told reporters that he is frantically hoping for a successful football season.

“For the love of God, I hope Orgeron can at least get to a decent bowl this year,” said Meadows, whose divorced mother doesn’t earn enough to support his portion of school tuition.

“If the team sucks and fans aren’t willing to pay all the bullshit fees included in ticket prices, the athletic department can’t make a donation to the academic program. Without that donation, the engineering school will lose even more of its best instructors, along with its last shred of respect. My degree won’t be worth the paper it’s printed on,” he added, choking back tears.

Meanwhile, Meadows’ classmate Trey Nguyen, a native of Vietnam, said LSU’s increasing reliance on athletic department donations has turned him into an intense fan of the Tigers football team.

“I’ll tutor the whole damn defense if that’s what it takes to provide minimal funding for the engineering department.”

“I knew nothing about American football before arriving in this country as a college freshman, but I follow the team extremely closely now. Like, I can’t find enough information about recruiting and staff changes,” Nguyen told reporters. “Job recruiters are not calling me back as it is. What happens if (Offensive Coordinator) Matt Canada can’t get his shit together? These QBs aren’t exactly a bunch of Heisman contenders, and the O line is thinner than a Ritz cracker.”

Meadows said he’s willing to do whatever is necessary to ensure key players remain academically eligible to help bring in millions of dollars to the athletic department.

“I’ll tutor the whole damn defense if that’s what it takes to provide minimal funding for the engineering department. Hell, I’ll sit next to them and let them cheat off me if it means beating Alabama.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

Check Also

Cortana Mall to Be Taken Off Life Support

Doctors at Our Lady of Lake Hospital sadly report a former major shopping venue will soon be taken off life support.