FEMA Orders Millions of Thoughts and Prayers for Louisiana Ahead of Harvey’s Landfall

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has requisitioned approximately 10 million units of thoughts and prayers for Louisiana in advance of potential impacts from Hurricane Harvey.

FEMA has requested more than two thoughts or prayers per Louisiana resident in anticipation of the heavy, widespread rainfall and flooding the tropical system in the Gulf of Mexico is expected to bring to the state.

U.S. Senators Bill Cassidy and John Kennedy have welcomed the attention of the federal government, which is busy stockpiling the desired thoughts and prayers from around the country.

Louisiana’s two senators issued a joint statement in which they thanked the millions of Americans who remember Louisiana is, in fact, a U.S. state whenever disaster strikes, or when Mardi Gras rolls around.

Attorney General Jeff Landry has ordered all gay Louisiana residents be rounded up and shipped to the Texas coast near Corpus Christi, ostensibly to draw Harvey away from the Louisiana coast in order to help the Bayou State escape God’s wrath.

The statement says “Louisiana is tremendously grateful for the attention of the nation once again.” It adds, “We have a major flooding event at least once a year, and being bailed out is so much cheaper than addressing the billions of dollars in damage and coastal erosion that definitely isn’t caused by climate change or the state’s petroleum industry.”

President Donald Trump also has promised to deliver shipments of Play-Doh intended to patch levees, as well as coloring books to provide intellectual stimulation for the residents of New Iberia.

As an extra precaution, Attorney General Jeff Landry has ordered all gay Louisiana residents be rounded up and shipped to the Texas coast near Corpus Christi, ostensibly to draw Harvey away from the Louisiana coast in order to help the Bayou State escape God’s wrath.

“As we know in the Bible, the Sodomites are responsible for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah,” Landry explained. “If these sinners are intent on choking on the devil’s delicious smoked sausages, they can do it in another state that doesn’t have good boudin. We implore the Lord Jesus to cast his judgment on Texas instead of Louisiana. Those heathens don’t even like Jack Miller sauce, for heaven’s sake.”

The Cajun Navy — an impromptu volunteer fleet of civilians who rescued flood victims during South Louisiana’s historic flooding last year — is not expected to play a major role during recovery efforts after Harvey’s landfall due to a downturn in the oilfield industry that led to most of their boats being repossessed.

The Red Shtick will keep you up-to-date on the storm damage as long as the power stays on and the whiskey doesn’t run out.

 

About Manny Schewitz

Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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