Trump Worried Saying “White Supremacist” Three Times Will Summon Pro-KKK Father’s Ghost

President Donald Trump’s reticence to personally and explicitly condemn white supremacist groups stems from his fear of calling forth his late, racist father’s spirit, according to several White House officials.

The unnamed sources say the president is convinced uttering the term “white supremacist” three times will summon the ghost of Fred Christ Trump, the president’s dead dad who, by many accounts, was a flaming bigot.

“The president is scared shitless his late father’s spirit will appear if and when he says ‘white supremacist’ for a third time, so he’s not saying it all,” one White House West Wing staffer explained.

“Given his dad’s reputation as a racist who withheld genuine love from his son, I can’t blame the president for being reluctant to say something he’s convinced will conjure up his old man’s ghost,” another source within the Trump administration said.

“I wouldn’t doubt he answered to ‘white supremacist’ when he was alive.”

Other White House officials say the president’s fear stems from his love of the movie Beetlejuice and the elder Trump’s apparent white supremacist views, as evidenced by his arrest at a Ku Klux Klan march that turned violent, as well as his discriminatory policy of not renting or selling housing to black people.

“Fred Trump was arrested after attending a riotous KKK rally protesting ‘native-born Protestant Americans’ allegedly being assaulted by Catholic New York City cops,” an anonymous member of Trump’s staff recalled about the father of the self-proclaimed “law and order” president, who frequently lauds law enforcement and talks smack about protesters. “Honestly, I wouldn’t want that guy’s ghost showing up, either.”

Other administration officials point to Fred Trump’s anti-black real estate practices when elucidating President Trump’s refusal to say “white supremacist.”

“The U.S. Justice Department sued him in 1973 for violating the Fair Housing Act by refusing to rent or sell to black people,” one unnamed official stated. “He might have gotten away with just a consent decree, but when Woody Guthrie sits down and writes a song about you being a bigoted landlord stirring up ‘racial hate,’ you’re probably a bigoted landlord stirring up racial hate. Hell, I wouldn’t doubt he answered to ‘white supremacist’ when he was alive.”

As for the widespread, bipartisan criticism of the president’s failure to personally and specifically call out the KKK, neo-Nazis, and other white supremacist groups, several of the White House sources indicate Trump is coping with the blowback by standing in front of a mirror and repeating the affirmation “Daddy loves me.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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