NEW ORLEANS — The Crescent City, no stranger to natural disasters, is currently in the throes of a one-two punch: Last week’s unexpected flooding was quickly followed by a downpour of frantic explanations and vague promises from politicians, candidates, and city department heads.
“We can attribute at least two inches of standing water to the intergovernmental pissing contest that began when the rain stopped,” WDSU chief meteorologist Margaret Orr said. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Well, that’s not exactly true; I’ve worked in a newsroom for 30 years.”
At a press conference, New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu said, “The failure of communication and leadership we have seen from our city’s water management is unprecedented,” referring to Director Cedric Grant and Superintendent Joseph Becker, who stepped down on Tuesday. “I have accepted their resignations, because nothing answers government efficiency complaints like a power vacuum. But whoever was responsible for hiring and paying these clowns should know his days are numbered.”
Mayoral candidate Michael Bagneris could not be reached for comment, as he was standing too far behind Landrieu to be heard. However, other candidates proposed novel solutions to the city’s increasingly dire flooding outlook.
“We can open up our drainage system as low-income housing in exchange for residents keeping the pipes clear. That way, we solve the city’s three biggest problems: how to maintain drainage, how to increase AirBNB density above ground, and where to hide the poor.”
“Easy,” City Councilwoman LaToya Cantrell said. “We can open up our drainage system as low-income housing in exchange for residents keeping the pipes clear. That way, we solve the city’s three biggest problems: how to maintain drainage, how to increase AirBNB density above ground, and where to hide the poor.”
Former Judge Desiree Charbonnet favors an enforcement solution.
“What is a flood if not an illegal assembly of water? That’s why, when I am elected, I will put 1,000 new NOPD officers on the streets. Each cop can carry two buckets, and each bucket can arrest 10 gallons of water at a time. We predict drainage efficiency gains of nearly 0.001 percent,” she stated.
“Monuments,” dark horse candidate Frank Scurlock muttered after being roused from a bench in City Park. “Huge fuggin’ Civil War monuments, all over the city. I’m talkin’ at least five per block. Statues of General Lee, Lee’s horse, Lee’s horse’s slaves, et cetera. Every one of ’em celebrates our history and heritage, and every one of ’em can hold a big-ass golf umbrella, so problem solved.”
The Sewerage and Water Board could not be reached for comment before press deadline; the offices of the director and superintendent were locked, and a sign taped to each door read “My City Pension is Fully Operational.”
Meanwhile, a press release from wealthy tycoon Sidney Torres touts a new iPhone app called GNDLA, which he describes as “Uber for boats.”