Ryan Heck Auctioning Off City Hall

Former Metro Councilman Ryan Heck is selling City Hall in downtown Baton Rouge to the highest bidder nearly a year after former Mayor Kip Holden reportedly signed the property over to him.

The Greater Baton Rouge Business Report published a story this week detailing Heck’s upcoming auction of the 10-story building that serves as the home to numerous entities of East Baton Rouge City-Parish government, including the offices of the mayor and the Metro Council.

The auction will take place at an undisclosed location at a yet-to-be-determined date and time. According to Business Report Executive Editor JR Ball, Heck is reportedly withholding such details until just before the event to minimize the chances of “haters, pussies, and ugly bitches” showing up to the auction.

Heck said he came into ownership of City Hall in the wake of last year’s historic flooding.

Heck reportedly managed to convince then-Mayor Kip Holden to sign the deed over to him while Holden was “about a half-dozen Budweisers into happy hour at Mansur’s.”

“I was riding around in my boat with the Cajun Navy, rescuing people from the floodwaters in Central, when I found a weird-looking canister floating by,” Heck recalled. “I opened it and found the freaking deed to City Hall. I couldn’t believe my goddam eyes.”

The concrete contractor suspects the document came from the home of a former longtime Metro Councilman who passed away earlier this year.

“I always heard whispers around City Hall that Joe Greco had the deed to the place, but I just chalked it up to urban legend,” Heck explained. “I’m thinking the old guy had it buried in his backyard, and the pressure from all the water forced it up out of the ground, just like all those caskets.”

Days later, Heck reportedly managed to convince then-Mayor Kip Holden to sign the deed over to him while Holden was “about a half-dozen Budweisers into happy hour at Mansur’s.”

Heck defended his decision to auction off the property by claiming that selling it will drastically increase its value to the public.

“It’s not like it’s being used for anything worthwhile right now, so I might as well sell it to someone who will actually put it to good use.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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