Just a couple of days into his 17-day vacation from golfing and tweeting, Donald Trump was grievously wounded during his battle with the back nine on his golf course.
During his third round at Bedminster on Saturday, Trump developed a blister between his thumb and index finger on the 13th hole. Fighting on despite mild pain, The Donald managed to finish the remaining 5 holes with only 14 mulligans and 88 excuses from Stephen Miller, who is auditioning for the role of White House communications director.
In a ceremony attended by members of the military at the 19th hole, Trump awarded himself a Purple Heart for the injury he sustained. As the Marines fired a 21-gun salute, The Donald placed the ribbon around his own neck and proclaimed that he would designate the golf course as a national monument commemorating the Second River of Blood.
“This injury is very real. This blister will make my 3 a.m. toilet tweets much harder.”
“It is a great shame that the hardest-working president in the history of the country ever would be attacked on a long-needed working vacation,” Trump declared before a crowd of loyal supporters shedding tears of admiration. “As I battled through the intense humidity and the constant strafing runs from mosquitoes, I was wounded on the 13th hole. Someone told me that Hillary’s emails were at the bottom of the bunker, and I just had to go for it with the sand wedge.
“Now, many of you people in the fake news media will laugh about this, but this injury is very real. This blister will make my 3 a.m. toilet tweets much harder. This will also make it harder for me to rub one out to pictures of Ivanka, or wipe my own ass. If you don’t believe me, I’ve asked everyone from Melania to the groundskeeper to do it for me, with no luck.”
Trump indicated that, after returning to the White House from his vacation, he intends to ask Congress to designate Bedminster as a national historic site where the careers of former administration officials like Sean Spicer will be buried. He also plans to request funds to erect a statue with the following inscription:
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his sand wedge for his country.” — Donald J. Trump