Alex Jones Visits White House, Learns He’s Illuminati Member

America’s foremost conspiracy theorist was shocked to discover he is actually part of the shadowy group that purportedly controls the nation’s government.

Alex Jones, who frequently rants on his daily radio show about the origins of the Illuminati and its undue, malevolent influence over powerful U.S. leaders and institutions, told his audience that he learned he is a full-fledged member of the secret society during a recent trip to the White House.

An avid supporter of Donald Trump, Jones said he finally accepted the president’s personal invitation to visit with him in the Oval Office, which led to the startling revelation.

“Folks, I have some shocking news,” Jones said, attempting to prepare listeners and online viewers of his four-hour show. “I went to the White House yesterday to meet with President Trump. And while I was there touring the place, he pulled me aside and told me he had learned, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am a member of the Illuminati.”

“I don’t know how or when this happened, but there’s no denying it, folks: I am part of the New World Order.”

Jones said he laughed, thinking it was a joke. Then Trump presented “compelling evidence,” according to the man responsible for the website InfoWars.

“President Trump showed me several official documents indicating that not only is the Illuminati very real and extremely powerful, but that I’m one of them. He also had photographs of me at a super-secret Illuminati meeting at their super-secret lair,” the Texan explained. “I don’t know how or when this happened, but there’s no denying it, folks: I am part of the New World Order.”

Moments later, Jones began to speculate about how he could unwittingly be a member of a dark organization he regularly rails against.

“Maybe they snuck some fluoride in my water before my initiation. Maybe they sprayed some chemtrails around my house so I wouldn’t remember I was one of them. Maybe this was all part of some secret black ops, mind-control program developed by Obama to compromise voices of truth like me. I don’t know, but I swear to you right now, I will not stop until I find out!” a red-faced and wildly gesticulating Jones yelled before offering a series of wide-eyed grunts, screams, and a relatively sedated “I’m sorry.”

He then vowed he would leverage his position in the group to undermine its agenda, as well as serve as a mole for the American people to know “the Illuminati’s deepest and darkest secrets.” Jones subsequently made his audience take an oath of secrecy to prevent members of the Illuminati from learning about Jones’ plans.

Jones later added he has a team of investigators looking into “more compelling evidence” presented to him by Trump indicating he is actually the late comedian Bill Hicks.

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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