U.S. Sen. Bill Cassidy has taken time out from his quest of denying health care coverage for millions of Americans in order to get to a more pressing issue: figuring out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
Perched in the gallery of the U.S. Senate, where he could drop on colleagues he dislikes castings from his latest meal he acquired behind the White House dumpster, Cassidy slipped an amendment into the GOP’s latest attempt to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Cassidy’s measure specifically deals with his second-greatest pet project: nailing down the age-old question surrounding the venerable Tootsie Pop.
Cassidy’s relatives confirmed to The Red Shtick that this issue has plagued him for years. One cousin who spoke on condition of anonymity stated that the Republican physician has been obsessed with solving this mystery since he was 6 years old.
“I swear, this boy was obsessed with suckers from the day that he could walk. When he moved down south to Louisiana from Illinois, we thought he would give it up, but it’s only gotten worse,” the unnamed family member recalled.
It got kind of weird when Congressman Clay Higgins would show up and just stare at the sucker-sucking research.
An anonymous source in the Senate said Cassidy regularly orders boxes of Tootsie Pops, which he has interns lick until until they reach the center. The interns then document the number of licks it takes to reach their goal.
“We’ve had three interns develop cavities already, and one has quit because she was a diabetic,” the anonymous staffer reported. “Cassidy swore up and down that this was an important issue facing our country, but it got kind of weird when Congressman Clay Higgins would show up and just stare at the sucker-sucking research. Sometimes he would even bring his wife and make her watch, although we’re pretty sure he was getting off on it like some sicko. One time, he showed up in a wrinkled St. Landry Parish Sheriff’s Office uniform and yelled at the interns, giving them directions on the proper way to go down on a Tootsie Pop. It was really bizarre, especially after his incident where he had his office Nerf gun privileges revoked.”
According to a representative at Amazon Prime, the weekly bill for Tootsie Pops delivered to Cassidy’s office is typically in the $500 range.
In related news, diabetes and cavities would be considered uncovered pre-existing conditions in Cassidy’s proposal to replace Obamacare.