GUEST COLUMN: “What Idiot Came Up With the Kimmel Test?” — Sen. Bill Cassidy

A lot of people have been saying I failed something called the Kimmel test. They say I didn’t meet its standards by voting to repeal Obamacare without a replacement.

At first, I was like, “I have no idea who this Kimmel fellow is, much less know what his test is all about.” Honestly, how can I fail a test I’m unfamiliar with? That doesn’t seem fair, if you ask me.

So I did a little research on my favorite search engine, Bing.com. It turns out the Kimmel test is named after late-night host Jimmy Kimmel.

Then I was like, “How did a comedian become synonymous with a health-care-related metric?”

Whoever set this arbitrary legislative standard must be a raging doofus. In fact, I bet he looks and sounds really stupid, like in a cartoonish kind of way.

I figured some weird, social-media meme went viral or something. I try to stay hip to the new stuff, but it’s hard to keep up with all the latest trends.

But then, after a few more clicks on Bing, I discovered this Kimmel test was coined by somebody on CNN talking about health care reform. Apparently, at least according to whoever this person is, a health care bill meets this so-called Kimmel test if it ensures a child born with a serious pre-existing condition would be able to get all the treatment he or she would need to stay alive, regardless of the parents’ financial situation.

Then I was like, “What idiot came up with the Kimmel test?” Whoever set this arbitrary legislative standard must be a raging doofus. In fact, I bet he looks and sounds really stupid, like in a cartoonish kind of way.

I’m going to keep researching on Bing to see if I can figure out who this moron is, because he surely deserves to be publicly derided for capriciously raising the expectations of Americans, especially those with sick children. If and when I discover the identity of this person, I will be sure to let everyone know. It’s the least I can do for this great country.