President Trump Bans Pontiac Trans Ams

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a decision widely derided as “bizarre,” President Donald Trump today tweeted his apparent intent to forbid Pontiac Trans Ams nationwide.

“Transgender Americans make our country less safe. So, time to prohibit Trans Ams! #MAGA,” read the president’s 2:55 a.m. Twitter post, which was quickly picked up by national news outlets and car enthusiast blogs.

The implications for classic car shows and cruise-ins — longtime fixtures of small-town festivals and county fairs — are immense.

“This has to be some kind of mistake,” said Steve Jernigan, president of the Greater Milwaukee Trans Am Club. “Trans Ams are just as capable and powerful as any other car built in America. To discriminate against them based on fear and prejudice is simply wrong. Somebody needs to stand up for us!”

Barry Simms, owner of Dirty South Auto Detailing in Tallahassee, FL, agrees.

“I’m just furious. This is an attack on our most fundamental liberty as Americans: the right to drive whatever you identify with. I can’t think of a more outrageous assault on the president’s own base than taking away their T-top Firebirds.”

Simms plans to file a petition at on behalf of the 0.0000001% of U.S. citizens who own Pontiac Trans Ams.

In a prepared statement, the CEO of online and print car trading service Autotrader predicted a 60% revenue loss from private auto sale listings when Trump’s Trans Am ban takes effect.

When asked if the president may have intended to use “Trans Am” as an abbreviation for “Transgender American” and been totally unaware of the car model, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders replied, “Who the hell knows anymore?”


About Chris Wedgewood

Chris has been retweeted by people who read nationwide publications like The New York Times and The Washington Post.

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