Top Symbologists Say Trump’s Tweets Indicate He’s Being Held Hostage

There’s a hidden message in President Donald Trump’s tweets, and if action isn’t taken soon, his life might be in danger, according to several code and cipher experts.

In a press conference held earlier today, a group of the country’s leading cryptographists and symbologists insisted the president’s Twitter feed is replete with encrypted communications from a person who is actually being held captive.

“We noticed a pattern of nonsensical and meaningless messages in President Trump’s tweets,” said the group’s spokesman, Carry Simmons. “This could point to a hidden code that might lead us to some sort of hidden treasure, but it’s more likely that he’s being held against his will and needs our help.”

While many top scholars have dismissed these supposed cries for help as the ramblings of an insane elderly person, Simmons believes we aren’t paying attention to the details. He also said software used by millions of website publishers strongly indicates Trump’s tweets hold hidden messages.

“There’s no way a human being entrusted with so much power could knowingly be that dumb. So we fear the worst if we don’t act fast.”

“Our Yoast SEO program for sentence comprehension is testing off the charts for President Trump,” Simmons said. “There’s no way a human being entrusted with so much power could knowingly be that dumb. So we fear the worst if we don’t act fast.”

This conglomerate of code breakers has been analyzing the president’s routine, focusing in on any little detail.

“We haven’t left any stone unturned,” Simmons explained. “We’ve watched his speeches to see if he’s been blinking in Morse code. We’ve looked for any changes in handshake motion, or even sweat stains resembling some sort of SOS. Something is up.”

Trump’s latest tweets may support some sort of conspiracy theory, considering he’s now posting numbers and links to famous da Vinci paintings. Most have assumed he’s just “butt tweeting” the public at large, or that it’s possibly the result of some sort of “1,000 monkeys with 1,000 Twitter accounts” scenario, but these skeptics feel they are getting close to solving the riddle.

“Trust us; this isn’t just a waste of time,” Simmons insisted. “Something is there, and if we are wrong, God help us all.”

Public response to this revelation has been rather supportive.

“I knew something was up,” claimed delivery man Gary Tummers, “but more importantly, I feel better about voting for a guy who wasn’t completely unhinged, but rather is just trying to break free from his captors.”

When asked if they knew who was behind Trump’s alleged kidnapping, Simmons was uncertain but optimistic.

“The president hasn’t been spotted in public with any albinos or one-armed individuals, but the moment his captors slip, we’ll be there.”


About Robert Rau

Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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