Trump Insists He Could’ve Made Deal to Save Jesus From Crucifixion

President Donald Trump’s superior negotiating skills would’ve spared the alleged son of God from a horrifying death on the cross 2,000 years ago, according to the president.

Trump would have saved the purported king of the Jews from crucifixion had the author of The Art of the Deal been around in first-century Judea when Jesus of Nazareth was famously arrested in Gethsemane, Trump told members of the National Association of Manufacturers at the White House last week.

“We’re finally going to start making good deals so we can help American businesses and create good jobs,” Trump boasted while discussing the nation’s economic health. “Nobody makes deals like me. In fact, I could’ve kept Jesus from being killed. That’s how good of a dealmaker I am.”

Trump then proceeded to go on a roughly five-minute tangent, claiming the very act upon which the entirety of Christianity rests never would have happened had he been there.

“I’d have told him, ‘Jesus Christ, do you really want to die on a cross? I mean, a cross. Who does that? Just tell them what they want to hear. I do that all the time, and it got me to the White House.'”

“The son of God couldn’t save himself, but I could,” Trump insisted. “The Jews killed him. I make fantastic deals with the Jews. The Jews love me. Nobody knows how to deal with the Jews better than me. Nobody.”

He then told those gathered, in detail, how he would have reached an agreement in which Jesus would have been spared from dying on the cross, and also ostensibly rising from the dead, being seated at the right hand of God, and forgiving the sins of the world.

“First, I would’ve talked some sense into Jesus,” Trump said. “I’d have told him, ‘Jesus Christ, do you really want to die on a cross? I mean, a cross. Who does that? Just tell them what they want to hear. I do that all the time, and it got me to the White House.’

“Then I would’ve told the rabbis — you know, the Jewish guys in charge — I would’ve told them, ‘Hey, do you really want to go down in history for executing a guy for just saying things? You want to kill an innocent man? People remember that sort of thing for a very, very long time,'” explained the man who once took out full-page ads advocating for the execution of the Central Park Five — five teens of color who were exonerated by a confession and DNA evidence over a decade after being wrongly imprisoned for a brutal 1989 rape — and who continued to call for their deaths as recently as one month before winning the presidency.

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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