Jason Chaffetz Resigning From Congress to Become New Buc-ee’s Mascot

A high-ranking Republican is leaving Congress in the middle of his fifth term to become the new face of Buc-ee’s, according to officials with the popular Texas-based convenience store chain known for its behatted beaver mascot and clean, expansive restrooms.

The revelation comes after much speculation about Utah Rep. Jason Chaffetz’s decision to resign his congressional seat and chairmanship of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee just months after overwhelmingly winning re-election  with 74% of the votes cast in November.

Buc-ee’s cofounder Arch “Beaver” Aplin III went public with the arrangement days before the 50-year-old Chaffetz is scheduled to exit Congress.

“As a longtime congressman, he’s synonymous with making lots of money while engaging in wasteful spending. Well, at Buc-ee’s, we make most of our money off the wasteful spending of our customers.”

“We snagged Jason as our new mascot for several reasons,” Aplin explained to reporters outside his company’s headquarters in Lake Jackson, TX. “For starters, he looks a lot like our old beaver mascot, which will help smooth out the transition for fans who love that little booger. Granted, Jason’s not as cute and adorable, but he is capable of speaking and communicating a message, or so we’ve been told.”

Aplin, who has previously endorsed right-wing candidates such as Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, cited Chaffetz’s political career in choosing him as his business’s new mascot, but he refused to confirm reports indicating the deal is worth $10 million over eight years.

“As a longtime congressman, he’s synonymous with making lots of money while engaging in wasteful spending,” Aplin added. “Well, at Buc-ee’s, we make most of our money off the wasteful spending of our customers. Seriously, do you know how much rubes spend on our overpriced tchotchkes and mediocre food every hour?”

The gas station empire entrepreneur concluded his remarks by observing, “When you have to go, there’s no place better to go than Buc-ee’s! And when America thinks of Congress, they think of people who have to go. So it only makes sense to associate the best place to go when you have to go with someone who had to go from a body that has to go.”

 

About Tony Swartz

Tony Swartz
Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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