Auto Yes Clown Confesses to Being a Juggalo

The spokesman for the Auto Yes car dealership in Baton Rouge has admitted that he is a loyal fan of the musical group Insane Clown Posse, as well as the numerous other horrorcore clown acts, whose avid followers affectionately refer to themselves as “Juggalos.”

“I’ve been living a lie for too long,” the used car spokesman told reporters at a news conference, “but I can’t hide it any longer. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m down with the clown.”

Now going by his Juggalo name Kotton Kandy, the automobile spokesman who for years has helped customers ride in style and made wallets smile conceded he has been leading a double life away from the camera and his family.

Insane Clown Posse

“My wife never questioned why I didn’t take off the makeup, or why I braided my hair underneath the rainbow wig,” Kandy said. “She knew I was helping people purchase a reasonably priced vehicle and accepted my 24-hour clown appearance.”

When asked what drew him to become a die-hard fan of ICP, Kandy replied, “You don’t become a fan of the ICP. You either are or you aren’t.”

Kandy then showed off countless hatchet tattoos covering his arms and legs, as well as his numerous ticket stubs from past WrestleMania events.

“I bought soda that wasn’t Faygo, pretended I knew how magnets worked, and even said Slipknot was a good band. I didn’t know what I was looking at in the mirror anymore.”

Auto Yes officials released a statement indicating that Kotton Kandy will continue to have a job at the dealership.

Juggalos

“We know Kotton Kandy’s No. 1 priority is to the customers, and we support any alternative lifestyle 100 percent,” Auto Yes Vice President Kyle Jenkings said. “As long as he continues to have those sick moves in our commercials, he will have a job with us.”

When asked why he felt now was the time to reveal himself to the public, Kandy said, “I’ve been lying to others and myself for far too long. I bought soda that wasn’t Faygo, pretended I knew how magnets worked, and even said Slipknot was a good band. I didn’t know what I was looking at in the mirror anymore.”

Now that he’s more open about his true self, Kandy hopes it doesn’t change how others look at him.

“Getting people into a reasonably priced vehicle of their dreams is my No. 1 priority, unless it’s during the Gathering of the Juggalos,” Kandy explained.

 

About Robert Rau

Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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