LSU to Replace Admission Requirements With Cracker Barrel Peg Game

In a press conference earlier today, LSU Undergraduate Admissions announced it will replace its current academic requirements with the peg game found on all tables at Cracker Barrel restaurants.

“If you leave three pegs or less, you’re in,” admissions spokesman Gale Edims announced. “Two or less qualifies you for TOPS, but if you leave four or more, you will be required to spend at least a semester at Baton Rouge Community College until your score improves.”

While not considered among the toughest admission standards in the country, each freshman was previously expected to earn a 22 on the ACT and graduate high school with at least a 3.0 GPA, but poor attendance has forced LSU’s administration to come up with a new strategy.

“Frankly, kids aren’t into normal standardized testing,” Edims said. “We can’t judge the true potential of our students with outdated methods. We have to know how their mind works when they are waiting on their meal and don’t want to talk to their family.”

“Two or less qualifies you for TOPS, but if you leave four or more, you will be required to spend at least a semester at Baton Rouge Community College until your score improves.”

Cracker Barrel representatives are thrilled with this new development.

“I always knew that game had potential,” Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra B. Cochran said. “We spend millions annually on lost pegs, as well as settlements when people find them in their food, but that struggle has finally paid off.”

Meanwhile, the LSU Athletics Department sees this as a possible boost to its programs.

“It’s about time our athletes were really challenged,” LSU Athletic Director Joe Alleva said. “The hours they have spent on education have cost our program valuable practice time. Now all they have to do is not be an ‘eg-no-ra-moose’ and major in kinesiology, and we are set.”

This shift in standards does have consequences, since Cracker Barrel chains are found primarily in the southeastern portion of the United States and are practically nonexistent overseas.

“We have looked into alternative requirements, such as a good Minesweeper score or finishing a Sudoku puzzle on medium,” Edims said. “We want to work with students to find out what challenges them the most, or at least what they do when they have time to kill.”

 

About Robert Rau

Robert Rau
Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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