GUEST COLUMN: “Live Out Your Sick Fantasies on Me, Rep. Higgins” — Linus, the Politically Astute Homosexual

Congressman Clay Higgins, I invite you to use me to fulfill your deepest, darkest desires by filling up my deepest, darkest holes.

If anyone deserves to express his obviously long-repressed urges on a more than willing adult, it’s you, a man with an extremely long record of dedication to public service. As a member of that public, I present myself for your service. It only seems fair.

I see you. Like, I really see you. You look very angry and frustrated, like a man left overwhelmingly ungratified by his inability to satisfy his true carnal urges. Well, I’d love for you to live out your sick fantasies on me, Rep. Higgins.

You always tell people you’re not hard to find. I’m also easy to find hard. Just dreaming of what a man like you, with your chiseled chin and big beefy hands, might do to my tender, welcoming ass over and over and over again.

You always tell people you’re not hard to find. I’m also easy to find hard.

You frequently invite people to take you on. I am more than ready, willing, able, and eager to oblige you. As they say, come at me, bro. Come hard. Real hard. Again and again.

I know you’re married. So are lots of guys I’ve been with, and they all left more thoroughly satisfied than they had been in decades. Maybe women just don’t do it for you anymore.

I’ve seen videos of you shooting your big, powerful gun, blasting hot round after hot round without even taking a break. I dream about you using me as target practice. I’ll even resist and call you “pig” if that’s what it takes for you to draw your iron and for me to draw your fire.

Do it. I dare you. Unload on me. My ass, my face, wherever you like. I am here for you. I promise: Unlike your previous marriage, you will not regret it.

Like you, I am active on social media. I’m on Twitter, and I invite you to slide into my DMs. And then into me.


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