EPA Warns of Environmental Catastrophe for Cities With Multiple Golden Corrals

In a press conference today, officials with the Environmental Protection Agency shared the surprising findings of a study that looked at what might happen to a metropolitan area that tries to sustain more than one Golden Corral buffet restaurant.

“While Golden Corral is known for offering copious servings of food at reasonable prices, most people aren’t aware of the amount of garbage and toxic sludge each chain produces,” EPA spokesman Ralph Heddings said. “As citizens of Earth, it is our duty to warn people about the ramifications that may occur if any populated area attempts to support multiple Golden Corral eateries.”

Heddings then presented a slideshow depicting a burnt, uninhabited hole that now exists where a recently shuttered Baton Rouge location of the popular chain used to be.

“Golden Corral is responsible for killer bedbugs, the extinction of multiple species, and the strange orange glow now surrounding Denver.”

“Days after this restaurant was closed, the ground caved and swallowed the building whole,” Heddings explained. “Our team of experts was able to create a protective barrier around most of the area, limiting the impact to just a few blocks. And while local residents now need to wear hazmat suits, the damage could have been far worse.”

Heddings stressed that this is just one of the many potential impacts revealed by the study.

“We’ve been working with former Vice President Al Gore to teach people about the horrors caused by this popular chain,” Heddings said. “Golden Corral is responsible for killer bedbugs, the extinction of multiple species, and the strange orange glow now surrounding Denver.”

While there are skeptics, some people are starting to corroborate the EPA’s findings.

“I drove by a Golden Corral today that had three Greyhound buses. Three!” Baton Rouge resident Dan Sibbons said. “I enjoy cheap food as much as the next guy, but what are the consequences? Besides, as long as they don’t try to shut down Jason’s Deli, I’m good.”

Representatives from Golden Corral have been less than receptive to this news.

“We understand there is a price we have to pay if customers want unlimited food and a family atmosphere,” Golden Corral spokesman Francis Atwood stated, “but we think our customers are OK with the consequences. And this hasn’t deterred us from coming up with innovative ideas our patrons will surely appreciate, like a drive-thru buffet, a bread fountain, or a new meat that tastes like ice cream.”

 

About Robert Rau

Robert Rau
Considered a poor man's Pat Sajak, Robert is a mild mannered state employee by day, entertainer by night.

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