Baton Rouge Ranks Among Top Ten Cities for Single Men

Are you a single, straight male, age 20-30, currently living in Baton Rouge? Well, I’ve got some great news for you. According to the relocation blog moveBuddha.com, you are living in the seventh-best city in the country for young, straight, male professionals looking for love.

With an index score of 69.02/100, Baton Rouge ranks among the site’s 10 best cities for heartsick yuppies. The rating is based on data such as percentage of the population age 20-30, nightlife per square mile, unemployment rate, and average rent for a one-bedroom apartment.

If you’re finding yourself scratching your lonely balls at home alone on a Friday night and wondering why you can’t find a lonely lady in this singles Nirvana, it may have something to do with all the other numbers moveBuddha didn’t figure in.

For instance: The average rent for a one-bedroom place in Baton Rouge is listed as $1,060, but Baton Rouge’s median household income is $38,790, leaving a scant $26,070 for food, clothing, insurance, and car payments (CATS cares not for your transportation needs, and Uber gets expensive for a daily commute), before you get to dating expenses.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, we’ve jumped back to No. 1 in the national rate of HIV infections per capita for a metropolitan area. Go us!

But let’s say you do convince someone to join you for an evening out at one of our finer fast-food establishments. You better wrap that rascal.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, we’ve jumped back to No. 1 in the national rate of HIV infections per capita for a metropolitan area. Go us!

To be fair, lots of that is due to the sharing of needles, what with the massive opioid addiction crisis we have. So … yay?

OK, let’s say you are comfortably employed, disease- and drug- free, straight (you should probably stay straight since the state just knocked down the idea of protection from spousal abuse in same-sex couples), and looking for love. MoveBuddha suggests tailgating at an LSU football game to find a lady. And if you don’t know anyone throwing a party, well, there’s always Movie Tavern.

Seriously. Movie Tavern. Ladies like movies, right? And food and service with a hefty 2½ stars on Yelp?

Right. So, for argument’s sake, let’s say you are a comfortably employed, straight, disease- and drug-free male willing to take a woman to a movie theater with food in it on a first date, but you don’t like football or getting harassed by frat boys for hitting on single ladies at tailgate parties. Are you white and conservative?

Oh buddy, do I have the ultimate hangout for you. Hop onto Facebook, check out the comments sections of both WAFB and The Advocate (the newspaper, not the gay magazine — again, be straight), and join the lively discussion beneath any of the clickbait stories from around the country those news sites use to ramp up traffic via angry, racist rants.

We’re in “Cancer Alley,” so you’ll want to spread those genes early to avoid tainting your seed with mutation-inducing carcinogens.

Want to call the mayor a “moron idiot racist monkey” (actual comment)? Feel free! Both comments sections are gleefully unmoderated, so you can be your most awful self without fear of repercussions or self-examination.

And remember, we’re in “Cancer Alley,” so you’ll want to spread those genes early to avoid tainting your seed with mutation-inducing carcinogens.

So, in conclusion: If you are a straight, white, conservative, drug- and disease-free, high-income professional who likes eating a full meal at the movies and enjoys angry, unedited, uneducated hate speech, I’d like to welcome you to MoveBuddha.com’s seventh-best city for young professionals looking for love. By the numbers.

Truthfully, Baton Rouge isn’t all that bad. It just helps if you avoid all the numbers when making decisions. Our numbers suck. Our people aren’t that bad (again, use the comments sections of local news sites to know who to avoid) and are pretty decent, as a whole. Even the most aggressive hate tanks online mellow right out when they have to go out in public.

I’d suggest Friday evening’s Live After 5 concert series downtown (when it isn’t canceled due to civil unrest), catching a show at Theatre Baton Rouge, or visiting the Louisiana Art and Science Museum (Raising Cane’s loaned us a triceratops head), or any of our fantastic restaurants, breweries, museums, or other cultural venues not affected by last year’s apocalyptic flooding.

I promise that’s supposed to be just a twice-a-millennium thing.

Like I said, avoid the numbers.

 

About Knick Moore

Knick Moore
Knick Moore hasn't been a smoker since 2007. However, this picture is just too stylish to replace.

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