Blue Bell Introduces New, Organic, Non-GMO “Plan L” Abortion Ice Cream

In an effort to help address the drastic reduction in access to abortion services in the South, Blue Bell Creameries has announced it has created a new flavor for women with unwanted pregnancies.

The Texas-based company says it’s launching Blue Bell “Plan L” Abortion Ice Cream in order to help overcome the myriad restrictions on reproductive rights enacted by conservative lawmakers over the past several years, as well as the current effort by congressional Republicans to defund Planned Parenthood.

Blue Bell, which is struggling to recover from a consumer backlash over listeria-tainted ice cream and OSHA violations, admits the new pregnancy-terminating flavor is part of a public relations campaign to rehabilitate its corporate image.

“Plan L combines the great ingredients of Blue Bell with listeria, a byproduct we are known for, along with delicious hints of chocolate and two doses of organic, non-GMO Plan B per serving.”

The Red Shtick sent its intern Dave Robicheaux out to Brenham, TX, to speak with a Blue Bell representative who agreed to an interview, but only as an anonymous source.

The following is a Red Shtick exclusive:

The Red Shtick: Thanks for agreeing to speak with us. Why is Blue Bell releasing this new flavor, especially considering its past history of tainted products that killed consumers?

Blue Bell rep: We wanted to do the right thing for the women of Texas. Because Texas and other states where we distribute our ice cream are making it harder and harder for women to end unwanted pregnancies, it was only right for us to give them a delicious alternative.

The Red Shtick: Blue Bell has come under fire in recent years for food safety violations. How does this help?

Blue Bell rep: We are committed to expanding profits, even at the cost of our consumers’ lives. At the same time, we want to be a compassionate corporation, and releasing this delicious and medicinal flavor will pad our bottom line.

The Red Shtick: Tell us about the new Blue Bell release and how it will help women who do not have access to reproductive care.

Blue Bell rep: You will be able to pick up our new, 100% organic, non-GMO Plan L flavor at grocery stores and gas stations across the South. Plan L combines the great ingredients of Blue Bell with listeria, a byproduct we are known for, along with delicious hints of chocolate and two doses of organic, non-GMO Plan B per serving.

“Plan L should be a tremendous hit in Louisiana. We figure that it’s cheaper than a trip to a clinic and still safer than a coat hanger.”

The Red Shtick: Back in Louisiana, people are extremely anti-choice. Isn’t this a bad business decision? Aren’t you worried about potential backlash?

Blue Bell rep: One thing that we have noticed about people in Louisiana is that they love things that kill them, like fried foods, the petrochemical industry, and Blue Bell Ice Cream. After our listeria problems and the assault on our company by the liberal media, Louisiana consumers rallied around us — except for the folks who died. They love their Blue Bell more than life, and if they don’t care about adults dying from our products, Plan L should be a tremendous hit in Louisiana. We figure that it’s cheaper than a trip to a clinic and still safer than a coat hanger.

The Red Shtick is not able to officially announce the release date, but our sources lead us to believe it should be ready just in time for Valentine’s Day and Mardi Gras.

 

About Manny Schewitz

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Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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