Sen. John Kennedy Arrives Late for Committee Meeting After Looking for His Balls

The junior U.S. senator from Louisiana was late to work on Capitol Hill last week after admittedly getting distracted by searching for his testicles.

Sen. John Kennedy told The Hill that he lost track of time prior to an appointed meeting while desperately looking for his apparently missing balls.

“I’ve been getting a fair bit of correspondence from the good people of the great state of Louisiana who seem to be concerned about the whereabouts of my gonads,” Kennedy stated. “So while I was playing a little bit of pocket pool, waiting for my driver to take me to the U.S. Senate, where I am steadfastly standing with President (Donald) Trump and helping him drain the swamp — just like my constituents sent me to Washington to do — I noticed my cojones were MIA.”

“They may have gotten lost during the move to Washington.”

Kennedy said that after realizing his testicles weren’t where they were supposed to be, he immediately began hunting for them in every place where they could conceivably be.

“I rummaged through my entire apartment trying to find them,” he recalled. “I looked high and low for those boogers. Every drawer, every closet, under the bed, between the sofa cushions. I even looked in the refrigerator. Everywhere I looked, though, I came up empty.”

The Republican said he recruited his driver to aid with the search after he arrived to pick up Kennedy, who was finally elected to the Senate on his third try last fall. After 45 minutes of futility, the driver told Kennedy that he had other clients to tend to and reminded the senator he was late for a scheduled committee meeting.

The former state treasurer speculated his balls must have gone missing since being elected as senator.

“I know I had them when I was criticizing (former Gov.) Bobby Jindal and (Gov.) John Bel Edwards back when I was still treasurer,” Kennedy explained. “They may have gotten lost during the move to Washington.”

Many political observers agree with Kennedy’s theory that he did not arrive in D.C. accompanied by his stones, noting the man who once had a reputation for calling out his state’s chief executives appears to be totally incapable of levying even the slightest criticism against the president or his administration.

Kennedy said he will continue to try to find his balls, but insisted his ability to fulfill his duties will not be affected by their absence.

“I’ll keep looking for them,” he added, “but even if I don’t find them, I’ll still be able to serve the fine people of the great state of Louisiana in the Senate by making sure the greatest president in the history of the world gets everything he wants and more.”


About Tony Swartz

Tony is proof that you can write Peabody-worthy news without ever darkening the halls of journalism school.

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