The socialist totalitarian state of North Korea has recently been issuing threats around the world regarding its alleged nuclear capacity purchased from Acme. Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un’s military has been described by some as the Wile E. Coyote of evil dictatorships, and the rogue nation has picked out South Louisiana as the first target for one of its hapless intercontinental missile strikes.
Reports suggest the looming strike on Louisiana may come as soon as the end of crawfish season, or as soon as the North Korean military siphons enough gas from aging and rusted vehicles around the country to fuel the next round of missiles.
Speaking to reporters in Baton Rouge, Gov. John Bel Edwards welcomed North Korea’s attention, claiming it is the most Louisiana gets other than at Mardi Gras and when hipster snowbirds from Canada come during the winter.
“If North Korea does decide to target our infrastructure, we expect damage to be minimal, or maybe even an improvement over what we have now.”
“Honestly, we’re just happy to be in the news,” Edwards said. “The only time we get thoughts and prayers, or federal aid, is when something terrible happens. If North Korea does decide to target our infrastructure, we expect damage to be minimal, or maybe even an improvement over what we have now.”
Freshman Congressman Clay Higgins, who was last seen on the Mexican border throwing rocks at Border Control vehicles and surmising about donkey shows, was unable to be reached for comment. Rep. Garret Graves’ staff said he was unavailable, citing a previously scheduled pedicure and Brazilian wax appointment at a local spa.
Meanwhile, Sen. John Kennedy promised he would accidentally leak national security briefings on the matter as soon as he could, and Sen. Bill Cassidy was reportedly too busy trying to find out how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
Unofficial reports suggest targets for North Korean missiles include Lake Charles, New Iberia, Walker, Bogalusa, and whatever rock David Duke is currently hiding under.
Edwards set expectations low for Louisiana residents, suggesting the most they might get is a tractor-trailer full of Play-Doh delivered by Donald Trump to patch the Atchafalaya Basin Bridge together again.