Anonymous Donor Pledges $600,000 to Replace Confederate Monuments With Statues of Bobby Jindal

The monument to the Battle of Liberty Place has been removed, but the controversy over the remaining Jim Crow-era statues of Confederate generals rages on. Last weekend, protesters from across the South came clad in Confederate and Neo-Nazi gear to oppose the removal of the statues they claim are about heritage, not hate. Although groups like Sons of Confederate Veterans are seeking to stop the removal, Mayor Mitch Landrieu already is looking to the future with plans for monuments that more accurately depict great moments in New Orleans history.

Proposed ideas include Drew Brees handing off a Jimmy John’s sub to Pierre Thomas in Super Bowl XLIV, a shackled Wayne Toups appearing at Jazz Fest 2006 with his accordion and parole officer, or George Bush flying over New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.

Other concepts involve replacing all statues with animatronic versions of a twerking Big Freedia, water fountains depicting vomiting tourists, and other things that represent New Orleans better than a Confederate general who never set foot in the state.

The donor, identified only as “PBJ,” issued a statement saying that statues of Bobby Jindal in all of his pale, rugged, white glory would represent “eight years of great days for the state of Louisiana and the city of New Orleans.”

According to sources close to Landrieu, an anonymous donor from Baton Rouge has stepped forward to settle the controversy once and for all by offering to replace the statues with marble busts of former Gov. Bobby Jindal.

The donor, identified only as “PBJ,” issued a statement saying that statues of Bobby Jindal in all of his pale, rugged, white glory would represent “eight years of great days for the state of Louisiana and the city of New Orleans.”

The statement and bid were delivered in person by Attorney General Jeff Landry, who apparently managed to slither through a keyhole into the mayor’s office overnight.

At the time of this writing, Landrieu said he also had received bids from individuals identifying themselves as David Vetters, Eddie Edwards, and Bill Robertson. Robertson further stipulated that any agreement would mandate all statues be clad in camouflage and sound a duck call every hour.

Additionally, former Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard David Duke reportedly submitted a bid promising 5 million Bitcoins for three flaming crosses. That offer was immediately thrown in the trash.

The Red Shtick will update this story as it unfolds.

About Manny Schewitz

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Manny Schewitz is a progressive liberal from the Dirty South with a thirst for the truth, humor, and whiskey. He is a co-founder of Progressive Frontier, an avid poker player, and an unapologetic liberal who supports gun regulations. Manny is also on Facebook, and you can follow him on Twitter as well.

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